I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity
It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.
A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.
The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.
The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.
Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.
“You are under arrest for downloading the whole of Wikipedia!”
“Wait, I can explain everything.”
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.Edit: Proud of you guys! Thank you for following the rules!
What do you call a caveman that wanders around aimlessly?
A meander-thal.
Non-essential employee then proceeds to exacerbate crisis by speaking and toilet tweeting
https://ift.tt/3c4cxwa
If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together
That would be one stone, gold motherfucker
Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet’s waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other “What are you in for?”
"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?" "Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was cleaning the kitchen floor in her bathrobe, and while she was reaching for something under the fridge, her bathrobe fell off, and she looked and smelled so good that I mounted her then and there." "Oh," says the Doberman, "so you're in to be castrated as well?" "No," says the German Shepherd, "just to get my claws clipped."
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer
British Person: “I’m bri ish”
“I guess you drank the t”
Women are so materialistic.
I bet they'd all dig me if I lived in a bigger car.
What do you call an anteater that eats ants?
An ant eater anteater. What would you call someone against the previously mentioned anteater? An anti ant eater anteater. What would you call someone who eats the previous person? An anti ant eater anteater eater. What if that person is your parents sister? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater. And if a play is made about all of this? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater. And finally, who is the director of this play? The Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater leader.
Remember when plastic surgery was taboo?
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.
Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite? NaBrO.
What does an Italian terminator say
Pasta-lavista
Rare photo of Melania Trump genuinely smiling. Taken at the roast of Donald Trump.
https://ift.tt/2XXbsk2
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
God the engineer
Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex network of levers that make the body move" The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer." The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he must be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
What kind of bees give milk?
Boo-Bees!
Sign on the espresso machine said, “Coffeemaker not hot.”
So I wrote, "But has a great personality."
A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might win this
My wife told me she loves her new white board we put up…
I said "I do think it's rather re-markable."
Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
I thought a had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my imagine Asian.
A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.
I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD
A trip without the kids.
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!”, says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"
A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life. When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying. Now that is how to have a good time." A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth. "What happened?", he asked. "Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did. I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!" "Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?" "Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?" "Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division."
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1 Anna 2
What kind of shoes do Ninjas wear?
Sneakers
