I put a “Honk if you think I’m sexy” bumper sticker on my car.
My self confidence is skyrocketing!
A TON of people think I’m sexy at this green light right now….
We’re bringing back Memeless Mondays!
A few months ago, we tried out a concept known as “Memeless Mondays”, where, you guessed it, (most) memes are prohibited every Monday. Specifically:For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found with a quick Google search for keywords, or isn’t an edit of an easily googlable template, you’re probably okay.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Response to this was generally very positive, and allowed higher quality content to shine once a week. The only reason for its abandonment was lack of available moderation – we have that now, so it’s coming back!It’s been a while, so if you have any concerns or suggestions regarding MM, leave them below. Otherwise, see you Monday.
Donald Trump is reportedly banning the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.
If Hooters started delivering
Would they change their name to knockers?
Teacher,” Tell me a sentence that starts with an ‘I’.”
Student: I is the…. Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an 'I'. Always put 'am' after an 'I'. Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
The self-cannibal at work got into trouble for making fun of me.
He really put his foot in his mouth.
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden. “Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers. “That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.” So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board. He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. “Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?” Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
Why has a car made of wood never been successful ?
Because it wooden go.
I have an irrational fear of empty spaces
Nothing scares me
Another film has been released about a barrier in India.
It's a Sikh wall.
What kind of music do elfs listen to
Wrap music
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
How do we know that atoms are Catholic?
Because they have mass
Today I learnt that humans eat more bananas than monkeys
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
Can a ninja hit a fly with a ninja star?
Shuriken.
In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia…
The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says: "Great rulers of Russia, I seek your wisdom in our country's time of need. How should I lead it to greater prosperity?" The leaders all turn, looking towards a shorter man towards the front: Joseph Stalin. He steps forward, and says to Putin: "Here are the two things that you must do. First, gather up all the Democrat politicians and have them shot. Second, paint the outside of the Kremlin blue." Putin looks back at Stalin, incredulously. "Blue?! Why would I paint the Kremlin blue?" Stalin cracks a smile, and then howls with laughter. Turning towards the rest of the men, he proudly proclaims, "See? I told you he wouldn't ask about the first one!"
Why do females make the best archaeologists?
Because they absolutely love digging up everything that has happened in the past.
I’m so upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go
Why doesn’t Kim Jong Un have a girlfriend?
Because he's too focused on his Korea.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
I sexually identify as Michael Jackson
My pronouns are He/Hee
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”
Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.
I can’t stand when my wife
tells me to sit