I put all my watches together to make a belt
It was a waist of time
Nobody likes my joke about paper
It's tearable
Duck a Fuck
A father gave his three sons a duck each and asked them to go and try to sell them for the best price. The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road. He went up to her and said I’ll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said “Ok”. They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I’ll give you your duck back if you’ll do me again. The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said “I’m so sorry i killed your duck. I’ll give you $40 to make up for it. When the third son finally returned home in the evening, his dad asked how much he had made. He said “I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck.”
If you’re bi and single then you aren’t bisexual
Your bi yourself
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
I just got into a car accident!
The other driver got out of his car, and turns out he was a dwarf. He ran up to me and exclaimed "I'm not happy!" So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot
then it is on the right foot
Your essays should be like a girls skirt.
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and up on my desk by Friday midnight.
Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck
Recently my son asked me why two turtles were playing piggyback.
That's when I knew it was time for the talk. 'Son', I said. 'Those are tortoises'.
I was captured by ISIS after Iran away
Now all I’m China do is to survive
As I handed my Dad his 47th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough."
What’s the best birthday present?
A broken drum Nothing can beat it!
“Did you take a shower, Dad?”
“Why, is there one missing?”
Justice is best served cold…
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
What’s a Shark’s favorite type of sandwich?
A peanut butter and Jellyfish sandwich.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Communism jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets them
Son, have a vodka with me!
No, thanks, dad. Come, have a drink with your father! Dad, I'm 5. – Dad is shitfaced but he insists: Ok, just one shot. The kid drinks it and start crying: Ewwwww, it's disgustiiiiiiing! Ha! You see?! And your mother thinks I'm sitting here having fun! (Russian joke)
Making fun of kids watching TV while there’s an adult watching TV right there.
https://ift.tt/393HrmE
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, because men can be feminists too.
Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip
Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple." The Islamic imam says, "my sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot." The Baptist minister says, "My greatest sin is gossip and I can't wait to get back to town!"
What did the horse say when it fell down?
"Help, I've fallen, and I cant giddy up!"
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes
She hugged me
I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!