I put LEDs on her engagement ring
Her face lit up when I proposed
I bought shoes from a drug dealer,
I donโt know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day
I am giving up drinking for a month
Sorry that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t call his parents Mom and Dad.
He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.
A teacher asks the class, โWhat are some examples of flammable objects?โ and the Jewish student raises his hand.
The teacher replies, โVery good! Any other examples?โ
Guy spits out his coffee and says to the waitress ” I dont mean to be rude, but this coffee tastes like dirt”
She replys: well yea, you told me to make sure it was fresh ground
A lumberjack goes into a forest to chop down a tree…
…but he didn't know it was a magic forest. As he began to chop down a tree, the tree said "Wait I am a talking tree". The lumberjack said "And you will dialogue".
Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies. "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…"
Why couldnโt the colour blind man sell ice cream?
His cones donโt work.
I arrived for my interview with the league of assassins a bit too early…
I had plenty of time to kill.
Why can’t the chameleon change colors?
Because he has an ereptile dysfunction.
I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphinsโฆ
โฆbecause they've been breaking camels' backs for years.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,
I've said it before.
What do you call a wandering nun?
A "roamin" Catholic.
Found this one in the local paper and translated it
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100โฌ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
One day, God met with Adam in the garden of Eden
"Hey Adam, I have two new organs for you," said god "What are they?" Adam Replied "Well," said God, "We have a brain, which will let you make intelligent decisions and hold conversations with Eve." "That's Great!" Adam said, "What's the other one?" "That would be a penis," God replied, "It will let you make offspring to populate the Earth. However, there is one downside." Adam asked, "What is it?" "Well, I only have enough blood to let you use one at a time."
No carpet!
I told my contractor I didn't want carpet on the steps. He gave me a blank stair.
Dad Iโm cold
Go to the corner. Itโs 90degrees
Dad body is just another way of saying…
Father figure
i have a hicky from my date with a wizard last night
she was a neck-romancer
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper that way.
The zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210. This zip code for Dawson’s Creek is 90108…
For my liiifffeee to be oveeeerrrr!
A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife โisnโt she beautiful?โ
Other man: โIf you think sheโs beautiful you should see my wifeโ First man: โWhy? Is she a stunner?โ Other man: โNo, sheโs an ophthalmologistโ
What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
My son used to swallow coins pretty regularly when he was a child.
Iโve definitely seen some change in him.
I just rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says itโll be a few weeks before I can use my ankle again.
I was being shown around a house. “What are the dimensions of this room?” I asked the guy.
He said, "Height, width, and length."
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
"Are you having a crisis?"
Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day
Tell a redditor a joke he will post it for a lifetime
My 8 year old pulled this on me
Daughter: Dad, are you smart? Me: Yes. Daughter: Spell it. Me: S-M-A-R-T Daughter: You said youโre smart but you canโt even spell the word โit.โ She got me good.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, confirming that it could arrive at their position in approximately two weeks. The old vet sighed and shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. The young soldier scoffed. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde, and a comely brunette
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a beautiful blonde, and a comely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel. As the compartment is plunged into complete darkness for the Nth time a ringing slap is heard. The train passes back into daylight and the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.' The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and slapped the beast.' The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.' The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'
