I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
Enough with the “I’ll see you next year” jokes on New Year’s!
Those jokes are a decade old now!
What did Batman tell Robin before he got in the car?
Get in the car
My wife and I are both feminist
But, as a man, I'm just a bit better at it.
My roomate and i did this game where we cleaned up another ones room everyday.
We were maid for each other.
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
What kind of conversation did the pirate have?
An ARRRgument with his wife
Why are the Avengers so good with tools?
They’re always assembling
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican
When the Pope answers the door, Dopey steps forward and nervously asks "Your Excellency, I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?" "No Dopey, I don't think there are," the Pope replies. The other six dwarfs start to giggle. "Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persists. "No, none in all of Italy," the Pope answers more sternly. The dwarfs begin to laugh even more. "Are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?" This time the Pope is much more firm. "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." By now, the other dwarfs are laughing aloud. "Your Excellency," Dopey demands. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?" "No Dopey, " the Pope snaps. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world!" The six dwarfs start jumping up and down, chanting "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippy?
Because he was too far out man
Have you tried German sausages?
They're the wurst
i was going to say a joke about a blunt spear
but i don't see the point
My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad she said she was never going to play Scrabble with me again!
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she’s very good at them. Mum said, “You should say “No”, they only want to look at your knickers.”
Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!
Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?
He made a grave mistake.
What do you call a snake that cleans windows?
A vindow viper
A policeman knocked on my door this morning…
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence. After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away. Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in mate!" He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings
In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out
What does orange juice and my dad have in common?
They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.
I bought shoes from my drug dealer…
I don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won’t open.
Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.
However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.
Why was Trump unable to hang himself?
It was fake noose
Who do Nuns travel in pairs ?
So one Nun can make sure that the other Nun doesn't get none.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the shovel?
He just knew it would be groundbreaking.
I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends COP: What would you call that group? CROW: …I want a lawyer
Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get an award.
Like no bell prize.
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?
https://ift.tt/2yzrXqx
I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it…
I think I managed to cover my tracks…
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things. The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, "where's the pub?" The alien gurgles back but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, "just around the corner!" The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It's labelled "The Keyboard" and he asks the bouncer, "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The bouncer replies, "the boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he's the bartender." So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender. "Excuse me, do you own this pub?" The astronaut says. "I do." The bartender gurgles back. "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The man asks. "Well," the alien gurgles in reply, "since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name!" The astronaut is on the edge of his seat… "The reason it's called the Keyboard is because… it's a space bar."