I really can't take this one

You know, I once had a Mexican dinner, and we had eaten quite a bit. So when we came back home, I let out an enormous fart, which disgusted everyone. This was why my sister grabbed an air-mask and put it on her face

He want to be a Father of programming!!

https://ift.tt/2txUY6b

Confidence-inspiring Leadership

https://ift.tt/2N5h2MC

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

But then you realise it’s the only worthwhile thing you can do as a CS major.

https://ift.tt/2rLQp7v

I prefer my builders to have a PhD from the school of hard knocks.

https://ift.tt/2SauGj0

I wonder what this was originally parodying HMMMM

I mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” with “Yakuza”…

…Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

I never learned when to properly use contractions but that is ok

it's what it's

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.

I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.

As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

My son, starting a conversation: You know, Dad…

Me: Of course I know him. He's me.

A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.

He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus. “Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?” The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says, “My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.” The country boy replies, “My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”

I have a friend that is very wealthy and loves to flaunt his possessions.

So much so that it can rub some people the wrong way. He invited my wife and I out for a vacation to his lake house. At one point he had us walk down to the lake so we could see his latest purchase. As he gloated about his new watercraft, my wife whispered to me, “He’s getting on my nerves.” I replied, “Don’t mind him; he’s just show boating.”