I really don’t care
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall
I thought to myself, “now that’s a little condescending”
Why was the baker’s assistant fired?
He was loafing around.
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has a pause at the end of its clause and one has claws at the end of its paws.
A restaurant served me soggy spaghetti
So I put in a re-straining order.
Baby Yoda’s first word
Probably came after his second word.
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
How many kids with ADHD does it take to scew in a light bulb?
Let's go ride bikes!
Ah yes, a completely binary affaire with no place for nuance or individualism.
https://ift.tt/2RmNRad
Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?
All the walls are load-bearing.
I asked my son if he saw the newspaper…
Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says. Damn fly never stood a chance
I bought some toothpaste.
It's not your typical food sauce
What do you call a rectangle that got into an accident?
… a wrecked angle.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, “I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, “The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
Coworker dressed as Chewbacca: “This costume is too hot to work in, I’ll never do that again”
Its ok it was a wookie mistake
Knock knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who?
This is Sean Connery.
How does a tree access the internet?
It logs on.
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
![Philanthropy [oc]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/xhvc0kl30ke41-400x503.jpg)
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates.
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively “You’ve got great hair!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from. When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts–they're complimentary."
A child asks his father what “gay” means
The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
This website won’t let me use “beefstew” as a password
Apparently it's not stroganoff.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot. (I'll show myself out…)
My girlfriend refuses to use the sauna alone.
Self-steam issues.
I just bought new shoes from my drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin all day.
My roommate is 2 days younger than me
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age…” and then describing what I did 2 days ago
I hate negative numbers.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
When I was a teen I was addicted to masturbation and as I grew older I become a sex addict.
In retrospect, I think my addiction just got out of hand.