I really don’t care
A man walks into a brothel…
Which is well known for its good looking ladies and good food. He walks up to the desk and slams £1000 on the counter "I'd like the toughest most over cooked steak you do and the ugliest girl you have for one hour. But she needs to tell me she has a headache and to do it myself" The madame looks at the cash on the counter then back to the man "Sir, with that sort of money you could have the most delicious steak cooked to perfection along with the most stunning girl you've ever seen. And she'll please you in ways you can't imagine letting you do what ever you wish to her " The man looks the madame strait in the eye and says "sweetheart, I'm not horny I'm homesick"
Hope we can still get it on
Hope we can still get it on
I named my eraser Confidence…
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make
I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater…
…as "the most violent book I've ever read."
I’m glad I’m good at making musical puns
Otherwise I'd have some pretty dim innuendos.
I tried to catch some fog
I mist
Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!
Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing. The vacuum was very unsympathetic… told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ……..yes, you guessed it …..pull myself together
Siri kept on calling me Shirley today
I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.
My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love
so we started using lubricant
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a…
“Hey dad. Have you seen my sunglasses?”
“I don’t know. Have you seen my dad glasses?”
Dictionary
The only way to read a dictionary from front to back is to read it in reverse.
How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the Hell out of it
I’m tired of hearing people say that age is just a number
When it's clearly a word!
I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.
Hope it’s not terminal.
The other day I beat my son at dominos.
I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Turtles.
She said hardback? I said yeah with a little head.
What kind of Dr is Dr. Pepper?
A Fizzician.
Working out is like a drug to me
I don’t do drugs
Grandpa: What has 4 legs but is not alive?
A boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa: It's your dog, he is dead Jimmy
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
what’s hilarious is that most people think we dont need to bring back the guillotine. ha.
https://ift.tt/2DqU4KM
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease that I have ever seen.
I suggested to my wife that we make some Indian bread for a group dinner appetizer.
It was a total naan starter.
A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc. “There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”. That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks; “What’s for dinner honey?” No answer. He moves closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still no answer. He moves even closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife. “What’s for dinner honey?” “FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”