I really needed this
An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’ I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child. “So what do you think about that Doc?” The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went bang bang. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that? asked the doctor. The old man said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.” The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
I just paid $350 for a limousine, but found out it didnt have a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
Last saturday I went to a stand up comedy event
The only joke there was me, so you can imagine how bad it was.
A big storm pulled my entire back fence out of the ground, I need some help fixing it.
Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?
There are two guys stealing iPhones around the town
They are most likely going to face time
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
Why’s there no original content on this site anymore?
because everyone's already Redd-it
Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?
Hedgehog: No
I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
What does an island and the letter T have in common
They both are in the middle of water
What happend before the crowbar was invented?
Crows had to drink at home.
My wife is furious at me for throwing a snowball at my son.
On top of it, I’m also banned from the maternity ward.
Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
I walked in on my wife on the scale.
She didn't look pleased so I said "suck in your stomach!" She quickly replied, "that's not going to help" I retorted, "it might let you see the numbers"
Some alligators can grow up to 15 feet.
Most only have 4 though.
What bird never knows the lyrics to a song?
A hummingbird!
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
There’s a lot of big words you’re hearing little buddy, I know it’s confusing …
https://ift.tt/2KkFdp3
My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.
Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet.
We’re a cover band.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma
6 months later she wakes up and asks the doctors about her baby. Doctor: you had twins! A boy and a girl. They are both healthy. Luckily, your brother was here and he named them. Woman: oh no, he is an idiot. What are their names? Doctor: the girls name is Denise Woman: okay, that’s not to bad, what about the boy? Doctor: Denephew
Told a girl to text me when she got home.
She must be homeless.
Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
With great power comes a huge electricity bill.
No text found
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes…
It’s like shooting fish in apparel…
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
And then it clicked.
An 18 year-old Italian girl missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed Jeffrey Epstien didn't kill himself in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Where does Elsa order her sandwiches?
The arenDeli.
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture.
They’re all backstabbers
My local church recently held a masquerade themed dinner and whilst the priest was saying grace I suddenly realised…
It was a blessing in disguise.
If you clean a vacuum cleaner
You become a vacuum cleaner
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
You can do better
You can do better
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle.
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.
Man: Hello! Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much. Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000 Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it. Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much! Man: Bye, I love you too. The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?
Why does Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks.
I’m not racist, i love all races equally
Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter
I was going to study Nietzsche’s philosophy.
Then I just thought, it's meaningless.