I really wanted to watch Fast and the Furious,
But the spoilers ruined it for me.
My grandfather died because the medics mistakenly thought he had Type A blood.
Turns out it was a typo.
You haven’t tried the delicious Bacon-Liver-Anchovy sandwich?
You're missing gout.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
BA-DUMM-TSS
How do you make holy water?
Boil the heck out of it.
Global warming will kill every single person on this planet,
It's a good thing I'm married…
I’d lose my shit if someone snuck laxatives into my food
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NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer?
All that time, and nothing to chauffeur it…
Did you hear about the monster that ate a Cessna?
He said it was a little plane
Being told I was going deaf…
was very difficult to hear.
Doctor: Did you know that you have a severe inability to vocalize your emotions?
Me: “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
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What’s the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple waits til you’re twelve to come on your face.
How many “friend-zones” guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
My wife asked me “what starts with f and ends with k”
I said "No, it doesn't".
Among all the politically incorrect jokes I know, here’s my favourite:
Benjamin Franklin was the greatest US President.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away… Wait a sec, only 21 years ago, in the USA.
https://ift.tt/348RRPF
Boobs are like legos
They're really for the kids, but the dads always end up playing with them
A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.
The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries. "So…" he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?" "A shark bit off me leg." "And the hook?" "An enemy pirate cut off me hand." The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories. "What about the eyepatch?" "A seagull pooped in me eye." "A seagull caused that? How?" The bartender questioned. "Well, 'twas me first day with the hook…"
I TA a CS class, and a student put some facts in his first-quarter self-assessment…
https://ift.tt/36BV9wv
A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”
He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”
Do you know why one side is longer when birds are flying in a V formation?
Because there’s more birds on that side.
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back
What do you call a psychic dwarf who has escaped from prison?
a small medium at large
I cant take My dog to the pond anymore cuz the geese keep attacking him.
I guess thats whats I deserve for having a Pure bread dog
Why are there two d’s in reddit?
The second one is a repost.
Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the “Chopping Maul.”
The invention of the shovel wasn’t good
it was groundbreaking
Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!
My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died
She was eaten by a giant crab
April 13th, 2020 Presidential Campaign Rally Masquerading as a COVID-19 Task Force Briefing
https://ift.tt/2Vbc0Tj
Want to hear a clean joke
Window cleaner
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. “Well…” he said. “It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn’t decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it.”
"And he won?" I asked. "Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"
Dad: *washing car with son*
Son: Dad, can't you just use a sponge ?
Do mom jokes count?
Mom: Guess who I saw today! Me: who? Mom: Everyone I looked at!
What does the clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.