I recently changed my alarm clock music to a Justin Bieber song.
Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day so that I don’t have to listen to it.
When I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
So when they come back they can Scandinavian.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now.”
I said "good listener"
While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you."
Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man!” The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says: “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” The guy says: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $299,999.75 though.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
He says: "I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present." Cop: "You are a lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, so where is my present?"
Because it was well armed.
So they can let me down one last time.
The manager hires all three and tells the Italian, "Ok, you take care of the inventory". Tells the Polish guy, "You take care of accounting" and tells the Japanese guy, "You take care of supplies." The manager comes back after an hour and sees the Italian guy and the Polish guy working, but he can't find the Japanese guy anywhere. So all of them start looking for him. After hours of searching, they still can't find him so they give up and turn to go home for the evening when suddenly, the Japanese guy jumps out of nowhere and screams "SUPPLIES!!!!"
Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,… “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?” Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.” Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say Lesson 3: A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.” Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity Lesson 4 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up Lesson 5: Power of Charisma A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Moral of the story: Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
I've heard that it's a real hare raising experience
Because they have been extinct for millions of years.
It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease. The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus. "But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket. "I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests." "But my fever, the pain in my lungs…what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?" The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she’s sleeping ..
…and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tube of super glue. It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.
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Oddly enough, it's even. But even so, it's still an odd concept.
Up on the 57th floor at a bar, 1 says to the other: "Did you know, if you jump out of this window that the air pressure gets so great by the 10th floor you'll get sucked straight back into the window at the 9th." The 2nd guy replies: "No way, that's bullshit." First guy says "I'm telling you it's true…" 2nd guy replies: "OK, Prove it. Jump out, if you make it back up here I'll buy you a drink." First guy: "OK, you got a deal." He opens the window and without hesitation, jumps out. The 2nd guy panics and runs over, but it's to late… The first guy is already plummeting down to the ground. He passes the 50th, 40th, 30th, 20th, floors and would you know it… Just as he predicted, he is sucked into the window on the 9th. He catches the elevator back up to the 57th floor, goes to the bar with a big smug smile on his face and says to the 2nd guy: " Double Whiskey, straight on the rocks." The 2nd guy can't believe his eyes… He buys the drink but is convinced that he has been swindled. He says: "That was a set up… Or a fluke… Do it again… And I'll buy you 2 drinks." The first guy laughs, and replies: "OK, No problem. I'm telling you it's physics, no luck or trickery involved here. Just watch." He walks confidently over to the window (wobbling slightly from alcohol) and jumps out. The 2nd guy is looking with intent, sure he will find out what's going on and how the trick works. The first guy plummets towards the ground again, He passes the 50th, 40th, 30th, 20th, floors and would you know it… he is sucked into the window on the 9th yet again. He catches the elevator back to the 57th floor and walks in, smugger than before. Yells over to the bartender: "2 double whiskeys, on the rocks." The bartender shakes his head in dismissal, but poor the drinks. The guy then stumbles over to the 2nd and says. "Now do you believe me… Go on, give it a go, it's exciting… Tell you what, I'll get you 3 drinks if you do it." The 2nd guy is hesitant… But having watched it been done twice with a very watchful eye.. Figures, he can't argue with science and decides to give it a shot. He tentitevely walks over to the window, sits upon the ledge… The first guys is stood by his side and cheers: "Go on! You can do it!" With that, the 2nd guy jumps. Screaming and terrified as he falls towards the ground at terminal velocity… He is hurling towards the street, He passes the 50th, 40th, 30th, 20th, 10th, 9th, 8th, 7th, 6th, 5th, 4th, floor… The man is screaming, petrified for his life. "OH GOD I'M. GOING TO DIE!! HEEEEELP!!!!!!." He zooms past the 3rd… 2nd… Floor… He is headed face first for the curb… Suddenly the first guy appears from nowhere and catches him… The guy, still terrified but now puzzled and in disbelief. Overjoyed that he was saved… " How…. How did you do that!?" The first guy replies (still tipsy and slurring) … "I owe you 3 drinks." They catch the elevator to the 57th floor and walk into the bar.. The first guy says: "I'll have a double whiskey and this guy will have 3." The 2nd guy is traumatised from the experience he just went through… Shaking in the corner of the bar. The bartender, having seen and heard everything says to the first guy: "You know, you can be a real dick when you're drunk Superman."
Because nothing gets under their skin.
"Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street. One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar." In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?" "No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
I never listen. Something else…