I recently found out I was colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple đ
The bigger your feet, the bigger your dick. The bigger your car, the smaller your dick.
No wonder we're all terrified of clowns
3 unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
1. 2. 3.
eBay is so useless..
I tried to find a lighter and they had only 45324 matches…
What do pigs learn in the army?
Ham to ham combat
A local barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs.
It blew my mindâI've been his customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber.
Two elves walk into a bar
The dwarf laughs and walks under it
Scientists turn back time…
…end up with 'emit'.
I’m starting a group for people who cannot climax.
Let me know if you cant come.
Did you hear the one about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
Sounded a little far-fetched to me
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
My wife said I was being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
The local humane society is giving away male geese for free.
I might go take a gander.
My grief counselor died today.
Luckily for me he was so good, I didn't give a shit.
What’s the difference between Jimmy Fallon and myself?
I can get through a Jimmy Fallon joke without laughing.
I finally watched Doctor Who.
It was about time.
A woman went to a dance and hit it off with a guy there.
They both liked what they saw and decided to go back to his place. One thing led to another, and soon they gravitated to the bedroom and proceeded to undress. The first thing he removed was his socks and shoes. She noted his feet were withered and crooked. When asked, he responded that when he was six, he contracted toe-lio. She looked at him confused. âYou mean polio?â He shook his head and replied, âNoâŚtoe-lio.â He then took off his pants. His knees were knobby and gnarled. She asked him what was up with that. He told her, âWhen I was eight, I got the kneesles.â âYou mean measles?â âNoâŚkneesles.â Then he removed his underwear. She sighed⌠âLet me guess. When you were ten, you got small cocks?â
4 Nuns died in a car accident…
They stand before St. Peters at the pearly gates. St Peter asks the first nun: Have you ever touched a penis? The fist nun admit it: Yes, once, but only with the tip of my finger! St Peter then tell the nun: Ok, put your finger in that holy water, then I'll let you pass. He then asks the second: Have you ever touched a penis? The second one also adit: Yes, I masturbated a man once. St Peter seemed slightly disgusted, but then tells her to put her entire hand in the holy water before he allows her to pass. Sudenlly, the 4th nun goes crazy and yell: Please! Ask me that question before the nun in front of me!!!!! St Peter, confused, asks why. The 4th Nun replies: I really want to wash my mouth before she puts her ass in the holy water.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Just look for the fresh prints.
I’ve never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.
Become a Catholic priest and get them now.
My dad once tried making coffee. When he tasted it he said “ahh, like making love in a canoe.”
I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.
The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce. "Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister. "Hmm, Yes it is" "Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?" the AP points in a direction "You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets" The minister just nods. A few weeks later, the minister invites the AP to his home for a party. Upon reaching the minister's home, the AP was surprised at how grand it was. It was a royal-looking mansion. He asks the minister, "Where did you get the money to buy it from?" The minister takes him outside and points in a direction and says "You see that bridge over there?" The AP replies "No"
Do locomotive engineers ever actually do their job?
Or are they always just training?
Son: Where were you born, Dad?
Dad: In the US Son: Which part? Dad: What "which part", my whole body was born in the US
A nun stood outside a tavern, scolding patrons as they entered about the evils of alcohol…
One gent stops to discuss the matter: âSee here, Sister- itâs really not fair for you to stand there and scold people on a subject on which you yourself have no experience. I mean- have you ever even tried alcohol? Even once?â âMost certainly not!â the nun says, blushing. âWell listen- wouldnât it make a little sense if you at least tried some before you knocked it?â The nun thinks about it, then says- âPerhaps youâre right.â âOkay! Now weâre talking! What would you like to try?â âIâve heard something about a… Fuzzy Navel with a twist of lemon.â âCominâ right up, Sister!â The guy walks in and orders a Fuzzy Navel with a twist of lemon. The bartender goes- âA Fuzzy Navel with a twist of leâ IS THAT NUN OUT THERE AGAIN?!?â
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Whatâs E.T. Short for?
So he can fit in his spaceship
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives.
People ask me why Iâm so nervous around trees, and I always have the same answer
âThey just seem really shady.â