I recently received a book with “do not read until the year 2030” written on the cover
But that’s a story for another time
Recently my son asked me why two turtles were playing piggyback.
That's when I knew it was time for the talk. 'Son', I said. 'Those are tortoises'.
Aritifical intelgennce be like
*sad rankine noises
Me: “75 Watts.. 60 Watts.. 100 Watts” Daughter: “what are you doing, dad??”
Me: "oh, just a bit of light reading"
I found uncle Ruckus
Hahaha phone bad selfie bad
Riots. Riots everywhere.
People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.
I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.
An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123." Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him reading a book, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
I’m pointing at you, uint. – Signed, int.
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
I found this template more fitting.
This is so true
Someone told me the book looked like a Harry Potter book
Trump is like doggo
My surname is Turner and my daughter…
Well she’s a real Paige Turner
Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day
Tell a redditor a joke he will post it for a lifetime
What did the grape say after it got stood on?
Nothing, it just started wine-ing
It's your count who votes!
Facebook is a gold mine
He looks a little too happy about the situation
……. 4s² 3d¹⁰
That laughing emoji though
Stubborn, in both life and death.
Every 52 seconds a man in London is stabbed.
My mom sent this into the family group chat…. it says smartphone dog
A picture is worth zilch …
Three sisters get married, each to another man
The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them. She decides to take each of them on a walk separately. The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the second guy and again, "accidentally" falls into the same pond. He doesn't hesitate either, and jumps in to save her. The next day, he too gets a notification on his phone that he received 500 dollars, also with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the third guy and again "accidentally" falls into the pond. The guy looks around if anyone can see, decides that no one is watching, and walks away. The next day, he gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars aswell with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your father in-law, James"
Not Flat…We Checked!
GTFO Lincoln, this is my home now
It shouldn’t be surprising our first black president was elected prior to Trump
It's always darkest before Don
Nice one burger king
Shock the pool
Debugging at its finest
What is the sheeps favorite movie?
Baaaaaack to the future
Shout out to the guy that makes these sausages
In my heart, he'll always be a wiener
A pregnant woman is hit by a car
She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!" The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital." She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?" "I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them." "What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?" "He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor. "Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?" To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "
3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.
25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex. So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request the priest says “Yes, only if each one of you do something bad.” They all agree and off their separate ways. When the first nun comes back the priest asks her about her day. And she tells him all about how amazing it was driving around in a Ferrari. Stumped upon how she was driving a Ferrari he asks the nun how she was able to drive a Ferrari. She responds “You told me to do something bad. So I robbed a bank and bought a Ferrari.” In shock the priest told her to go drink some holy water to cleanse herself. And just as he starting to catch his breathe the second nun comes back. And she instantly starts telling him how great her day at the beach was wearing a bikini. And the priest feeling responsible now asks how she got the bikini. She responds ”I had to drown a lady to get it.” The priest baffled by what he just heard again tells her to drink the holy water to cleanse herself of the horrific crime she committed. The last nun walks in and tells the priest she had a great day just walking around the park. And he knew he had to ask. “Did you do anything bad?” She responds calmly “No, not really, I just peed in the holy water before I left.”
Smart Lock Bad
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
Sissies can gtfo. It’s boomer time
Candidate Comparisons – Bernie 2020
I went to this party dressed as a corpse with my wife. It was a terrible party.
"Jesus," said my wife. "Look alive, will you!"
All my friends jokingly said that this girl I have a date with is imaginary.
Well, the joke is on them. Because so are they
Comedian/Mathematician Matt Broussard makes math jokes
Having sex is like playing bridge
If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I got heartburn from eating my cake
The doctor told me to take the candles off next time.
Alive or dead or let it be both
What do you call an old, Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
My wife emailed me the pictures of our first date together, but I couldn’t open any of the files.
I have serious emotional attachment issues.
Parenting a newborn sucks sometimes
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmation.
It was the least I could have done for him.
Man dies live on air while complaining about Iraq’s health service
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Funny how that works
While on vacation in Spain with my wife..
I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed. It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel. The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman. I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!” She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
Tenth time’s the charm
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes. The next person to grab one is Donald Trump: "Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out. Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy. "Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lifed a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
I was told I should post this here.
Found this one at target. Phone bad.
Why don’t ants get sick
Because they have little anty bodies