I recently took a pole and 100% of the people…
…were upset when their tent collapsed
Just so everybody’s clear,
I'm going to put my glasses on.
I made a graph showing my past relationships..
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy.
When you die which body part does last?
Your pupils, they Dilate
People say I have a dad-bod
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
Adultery is a sin..
You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.
[NSFW] Little Johnny asked his grandfather if he could have a cookie from the cookie jar
Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?” Johnny: “No.” Grandfather: “Then no cookies for you.” A number of years later, when Johnny had grown up and was visiting his grandfather again, he asked, “Hey, can I have a beer?” Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?” Johnny: “Hell yeah!” Grandfather: “Well then go fuck yourself.”
Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store
It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take
How do you cut the ocean in half?… you use a sea saw
You use a sea saw!
My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name
6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because he needed 3² meals a day.
I love jokes about the eyes
The cornea the better
Went for a walk and fell into a hole filled with water
It was a day well spent
Dad fell through a shop window.
Now he's in pane.
What’s the German word for bra?
https://ift.tt/2HOQOfu
How do you cut an ocean in two?
with a sea-saw
What did the green grape say to the purple grape
Breathe idiot, breathe!
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.
But you've probably never heard of herbivore.
I wanted to tell a yoga joke.
But it was a bit of a stretch.
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
Where did the two hamburgers go to dance?
The meatball
Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?
The stock market!
A Doctor can’t find a job in a Hospital,
He opens a clinic and puts a sign outside. 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Doc; "Splendid, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Doc; "Awesome, You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Doc; "Spectacular, your eyesight is restored. Now you owe me $20"
Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get an award.
Like no bell prize.
When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil…
Then you’ll get a, “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis!"
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says: “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ!” The priest says: “No son, you’re not.” So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says: “Man, I’m Jesus Christ!” Then the priest says: “No son, you’re not.” Finally, the drunk gets fed up and says: “Here, I’ll prove it.” He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says: “Jesus Christ, you’re back again?!”
Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.
I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.