I refuse to insult someone by saying that they have mental issues
Only retards do that
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints.
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves…
Looks like the boa cons tricked her…
You know what tv show predicted Trump’s election?
Orange is the new black.
Frank is cracking dad jokes even after death.
Son: what's in that fancy beer mug on the mantel? Me: Well that's your uncle frank. That's where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer Stein. He always said it would be funny. Never got why. Son: Maybe it's so he could be frank in stein? Me: That SON OF A BITCH
If you’re questioning your sexuality…
You probably aren't thinking straight.
I organised a secret bukkake party for my girlfriend…
Everybody came, you should have seen her face!
Some people like floors
but I’m more of a ceiling fan
I only believe in about 12% of the bible…
I’m an eighthiest
Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin so after 24 hours
They called it a day
If not believing in myself was an Olympic sport.
I'd probably get bronze.
Me: Mom meet my girlfriend.
Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better. Me: But mom, I love her so much! Mom: I'm talking to her.
Milk is the fastest liquid
It's pasteurized before you've even seen it
When is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
Why are ants immune to COVID-19?
They have anty-bodies
My GF said she hates my sense of direction.
So I packed my stuff and right.
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
How do you know if an ant is a male or a female?
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
A farmer buys a young cock
A farmers cock is getting old, so he decides to buy another younger one. When the new cock is put into the pen with the other chickens, the old cock says to him "I own all these hens, they all will only sleep with me, but I am old, I will give them to you if you grant my last wish before I die" The young cock is desperate to sleep with all these hens, and respects the old chickens last wish, so he agrees. "I want you to fuck me like I am one of them, I've always been curious what it's like, but there's never been another cockerel around" The young rooster is a little put off, but agrees all the same, so he mounts him and starts going when suddenly there is a loud bang, and the young rooster drops dead The farmer puts down his shotgun and says "fuck sake, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month"
My uncle told me that he sells vaccuum cleaners.
His business sucks but its picking up.
A man is at his wife’s funeral
and a woman asks him if she can say a word. He says okay and she stands up, saying ‘Plethora’. The man replies, ‘Thanks, that means a lot’.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
A joke without a punchline is like
No text found
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
Lost Wife
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter – let's look for yours."
My girlfriend just emailed me
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
My aunt’s star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died
She was eaten by a giant crab
Apparently you can’t use beefstew as a password…
It's not stroganoff.
A screenshot of a SCREENSHOT of a boomer meme that arrived in my inbox this morning
https://ift.tt/399tpzc
if u didnt spend 6 hours automating a task that takes you 30 seconds did you really do work
https://ift.tt/3duj3Nn
My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.