I refuse to insult someone by saying that they have mental issues
Only retards do that
Should English be the only official language of the EU?
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Bread is like the sun
it rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist
A nun plays golf and takes the Lord’s name in vain
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?" "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a Talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not Relaxing?" "Far from it, "snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today." "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hits a Bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee." "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate, but surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs My ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this Hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his talons !" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile? "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.. "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them
I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
Driving behind a hearse, my wife asked “How fast do you think a hearse can go?”
Me: I don’t think very fast at all Wife: Why not?! Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back… Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
How does an ant put on a tie?
With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot 🥕
And Jesus said “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I was addicted to soap for years…
I’m clean now!
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you’re alive?
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
Why couldn’t the Mexican archer use his bow?
He didn’t habanero.
How to tell the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…
What do you call an exploding duck?
A firequacker
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Kung Fu student asks his teacher: “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.”
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house..
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house. To get him out of the house, they give him and ice pop and they tell him to sit on the front porch and shout out everything that he sees while they try to pull a quickie. Timmy starts to point everything out. “Mailman stopped by.” Timmy says. “The Andersons are getting new furniture” he calls out. “Jacob got a new bike” “Oh look. Kevin’s parents are having sex.” Timmy says. The dad shouts out from the bedroom, “how do you know they’re having sex?” Timmy replies “he’s sitting out on the front porch with a popsicle.”
I say no to alcohol.
It just doesn’t listen.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"
How come none of the animals on the ark could play cards?
Because Noah was standing on the deck Credit to my dad who said this 2 seconds ago
– Do you know I’m finally going to watch “Back to the Future”?
– It's about time!
We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.
I have no idea who let her into my office.
Whats the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.
Dong. Ding Dong.
James Bond's doorbell