I remember our childhood quite fondly. My favorite memory is when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
Why did the latino man go to the therapist?
To talk about hispanic attacks.
I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.
I am now independent.
“Timmy, what’s 119+1?” Asked the teacher.
"5!" Yelled Timmy. "Yes Timmy, that is correct."
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.
“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
Get a bunny.
It'll put hare on your chest.
When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.
When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..
Don’t be worried about your smart phone or laptop spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt from you for years.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
Some people have difficulties sleeping.
But I can do it with my eyes closed.
What is an archeologist
Someone who’s career is in ruins
Why are old people so wrinkled?
Ever try to iron one?
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book im writing.
It's really gonna spice up the autobiography.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well I’m not gonna spread it!
My wife just left me for an Indian man.
I'm sure he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.
It was a real pain in the ass finding it.
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her
I turned her down I don't like high maintenance women
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
Today my son asked, “Can you lend me a book mark?”
I immediately burst into tears. 12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian
All I got for Christmas was a pack of sticky cards.
It was difficult to deal with.
I love my girlfriend Arial.
I'm quite font of her.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger. He asked, “Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I’m not a serial killer?”.
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed
Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say… So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the pub. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged. She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."
Today is my 25 birthday. I’m quarantined but it’s still nice to hang with the boys
https://ift.tt/2ZuP1VJ
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”
Is buttcheeks spelled as one word?
Or do you have to spread them apart?
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but this is fucking ridiculous.
My neighboor rang my doorbell at 5 am..
Luckily I was already up, playing drums.
Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.
Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
My dad always told me “don’t be quick to find faults.”
Good Dad, terrible geologist.
Why did no one in the King’s court laugh when the king farted?
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
What do you call a coughing dinosaur?
A Bronchosaurus!
Knock Knock
"Who is there?" "Grandma!" "Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"
Some people are really worried about getting trapped in a cave full of minerals
but to me that's just a minor problem