I remember our childhood quite fondly. My favorite memory is when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
To talk about hispanic attacks.
I am now independent.
"5!" Yelled Timmy. "Yes Timmy, that is correct."
“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
It'll put hare on your chest.
When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt from you for years.
They were Prime mates.
But I can do it with my eyes closed.
Someone who’s career is in ruins
Ever try to iron one?
It's really gonna spice up the autobiography.
Well I’m not gonna spread it!
I'm sure he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
It was a real pain in the ass finding it.
I turned her down I don't like high maintenance women
Comes great response ability.
I immediately burst into tears. 12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian
It was difficult to deal with.
I'm quite font of her.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger. He asked, “Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I’m not a serial killer?”.
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed
Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say… So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the pub. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged. She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”
Or do you have to spread them apart?
I always knew he liked them young, but this is fucking ridiculous.
Luckily I was already up, playing drums.
Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
Good Dad, terrible geologist.
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
"Who is there?" "Grandma!" "Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"
but to me that's just a minor problem