I reported a bug for a game that came out yesterday, the cause had me laughing so hard
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention
But everyone was blown away by the leaf blower.
Why did the bike stop moving?
Because it was two-tired
My dad said if he see me browsing reddit again, he’ll smash my head to the keyboard
I guess hezsjkfowgajqjhsjwkwlsvvcaxxacfasuoc
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
Guess who stopped smoking this morning?
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi
If Hooters started delivering
Would they change their name to knockers?
My buddy called me and asked what I was doing…
I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."
In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30’s,
… but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.
Wife: I haven’t seen you use the bathroom all week
Me: No shit. I'm constipated.
My son asked me: Dad did you get shot in the army?
No son. I got shot in the leggy
Why couldn’t the blind man see his friends?
Because he was married
Why can’t trees time-travel?
Because travelling through time petrifies them!
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
Why did the perverted cat get arrested?
Because he got caught watching kitty porn.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party
That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin, not me.
How do you make any boat a hat?
You flip it over and it becomes capsized.
Common sense is like AIDS.
Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies. I’ll see myself to the door now
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
He knows all the racist slogans, but don’t have any idea that they are…Sure, Jan
https://ift.tt/2XMxYMr
I proposed to my ex-wife.
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
Have you tried German sausages?
They're the wurst
So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman…
…were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to appeal their sentences down to 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: “As it is my first wife’s birthday today, she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.” The German was first in line; after thinking for a bit he said, “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but after only 10 lashes the whip had shredded the pillow. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying in pain. The Englishman was next up. After watching the German in horror he asked, “Please tie two pillows to my back.” This time it took 15 lashes, but once again the pillows were shredded, and the Englishman was led away bleeding and whimpering in pain. The Irishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: “You are from the most beautiful part of the world I have ever seen. Because of this, you may have two wishes!” “Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness,” the Irishman replied. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.” “Not only are you an honorable man from a beautiful island, you are also very brave,” the Sheikh said with admiration. “If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish?” And the Irishman said, “Tie the Englishman to my back.”
Provided by my own mother (I left the page in on purpose, I feel like it sells it)
https://ift.tt/2VPRgkJ
How do bees welcome their guests?
They buzz them in.
