I rest my case.
My wife said she was reading a banned book
I asked if it was about marching or jazz
I’ve been shrunken down to the size of a data cell and shoved into an iPod.
It would appear I'm in a bit of a jam.
My wife convinced me to have reversed roles during sex last time…
That was a pain in the ass.
If I had to rate the Solar System
I would give it one star
A Job Interview
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?" "This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
There’s an air base in Massachusetts. I’ve flown above it a few times
Over Andover again
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
I’ve heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.
Is this Trudeau?
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who’s the most vicious vampire among them.
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them. The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"
Wanna know how we knew communism was doomed from the start?
Because of all the red flags.
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
Aragorn and Legolas walk into a bar
Gimli laughs and walks under it
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper!
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An Irrelephant.
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
Whenever I’m asked “What happened in 1492?”, people are always surprised by my answer.
Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".
I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!” The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
A cow got into the marijuana field…
Now the steaks are high.
Give a man a guitar and he’ll play for a day…
Teach a man guitar and today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you
When nurses and doctors are having to reuse ppe but fascism is more important
https://ift.tt/2A9kuSX
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (It’s a learning joke 😁)
Recently took a poll.
99% of people were annoyed when their tent fell down.
Communist jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets it
You know what tv show predicted Trump’s election?
Orange is the new black.
I burned 400 calories this morning.
My Pop Tarts got stuck in the toaster.
I googled how to start a wildfire…
It came up with a couple thousand matches.
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..
"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!" The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard. One of the nuns thoughtfully says, -Sister, shall we just write: "Attention, the bridge is demolished?"
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
I can’t take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure-bread.
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
Why was the card dealer at the casino so resilient?
He dealt with whatever was thrown his way
The only thing that flat earthers have to fear…
is sphere itself
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I’d saved for the book I’m working on called ‘1,001 cures for itches.’
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.
I was appalled when the waiter told me it’s ‘nacho cheese’
I said i paid for it, it IS my cheese.
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says…
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' … and she's always sound asleep."