I said a loaf of bread.
I didn’t always want a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind.
Educated people are hot
Because the have got more degrees ! ( Read this one in an old book ! )
My buddy went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
Why was the gambler on edge when working at a BBQ restaurant?
Whenever a waiter picked up a meat platter, they raised the steaks.
I can chop wood just by looking at it.
I saw it with my own eyes.
The first time I ever used an elevator was a real uplifting experience.
The second time was a big let down!!!
V
V Edit: my CTRL key broke
When I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson, he looked quizzically at me and said, “But your name is Brian…”
I exclaimed, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson!"
A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar…
And checks his clock. "1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to ripp my balls off" – Thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up" So he asks the barman for a coffe, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him: -So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day? The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool: -Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers. The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds: -The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck.
A mushroom walks into a bar…
The bartender says we don't serve your kind here, The mushroom says, why not? I'm a "fungi"!?
If I had a DeLorean…
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.
Now that's what I call seizing the day.
Why did the picture go to jail?
It was framed!
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re always stuffed.
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the tv
Recess and cookies
An elementary teacher asks her students what they did during recess. Teacher: Johnny what did you do doing recess? Johnny: I played in the sandbox. Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "sand" on the board, you get a cookie. Johnny writes "sand" and gets his cookie. Teacher: Alright Suzie, what did you do? Suzie: I played in the sandbox with Johnny. Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "box" on the board, you get a cookie. Suzie writes "box" and gets her cookie. Teacher: Jamal, what did you do? Jamal: Well, I tried to play with Johnny and Suzie, but they kicked sand in my face. Teacher: Oh no, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can write "blatant racial discrimination" on the board, you get a cookie.
Why did the dog say “meow”?
he was bilingual
My grandfather was gravely ill and his doctor suggested coating his body with Crisco.
He went downhill really fast after that.
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!
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How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets
An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..
Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash. The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I wanna get my hands on the fuckwad that pushed me in that water!"
How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
Why are pine trees bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!!
