I said to my Jamaican date…”Leafy…Stalky…Branchy…”
"What?" she asked, confused.
I said, "You asked me to describe myself in tree words."
If you are ever confronted by a group of clowns at night…
…always go for the juggler…
What do you call an angry nut?
A pissed-achio
I hate the word “xenophobia”
it just sounds so…foreign
A woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.
One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony. After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money. Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money. The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said: "I fucked her too."
Shit Ain’t Funny Anymore. Stop making Excuses For That Guy Who Occupies The white House.
https://ift.tt/2VYradO
Found this on my computer science teacher’s webpage
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see. People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."
Been out washing the car with my son.
He said Dad why don’t you use a sponge like the other dads?
Next Summer I’m applying for a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.
Have you met Bruce Lee’s vegan brother?
He’s called Broco Lee.
Most people know that Sin City is Vegas… But do they know what Den City is?
Mass divided by volume
Horny Husband
With his wife now eight months pregnant, a man was severely horny. She recognized what he was going through and empathized enough to hand him a fifty-dollar bill. "Honey, you're so depressed. Take this money to the woman next door and she'll sleep with you. But remember: tonight only, okay? Never again!" He couldn't believe his ears but, afraid she might change her mind, grabbed the money and ran, but within five minutes was back, totally disappointed. "She says fifty isn't enough. She wants hundred!" His wife was mad, Why that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!
I don’t want to sound racist but…
Everyone in the KKK looks the same to me…
I went to the doctor and he said i was going deaf.
It's been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him since.
I could really see myself making mirrors.
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What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?
You have to be asleep or they can't come.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting.”
I said, "People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer."
Some day, Canada will take over the world.
And then we'll all be sorry.
Educated people are hot
Because the have got more degrees ! ( Read this one in an old book ! )
My son just threw a milk carton at me
How dairy
My girlfriend told me to stop singing “I’m a Believer”.
At first, I thought she was joking. But then I saw her face…
How come teddy bears don’t eat anything?
Because they are always stuffed!
What’s the difference between fine wine and fine women?
Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from my cellar.
Biker joke
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control, and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman behind the wheel who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that…" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this…" We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess."
What’s the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?
I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator. Edit: Thanks for the gold (career first) :0
They told me I’d never be good at Poetry because I’m Dyslexic.
But so far I’ve made 2 Vases and a Jug and they are lovely.
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup…
I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.
My father’s name is Lee. My name is Riley.
As a kid, if I ever said the word “apparently”, he would interrupt to shout “A Son Riley!”
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
What do you call baby dumps?
Dumplings.
What do you add to make a car go faster?
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Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Adverts in elevators.
I hate these multi-level marketing schemes.
