I said to my psychiatrist, “My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.” He replied, “I don’t think you’re crazy. I like sausages too.”
"Really?!" I shouted. "You should come over to my house and see my collection!"
You should never buy Velcro
It’s a total ripoff
Online coding bootcamp image vs reality
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awOI37Uvj0M&feature=youtu.be
A wife is speaking to her husband…
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate. Husband: why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier. Wife: but there are poor starving people who could really use all of these clothes. Husband: honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
Two Americans were backpacking in Europe
…when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest petrol diner?” The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.” The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists. Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily. The first American asked his partner: ” Maybe we should learn a second language.” His partner shrugged and replied:” Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn’t help him.”
What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste. Kindly stolen from my friend who is an ER doc.
“Can you please change my grade?”
“Of course,” Tom remarked.
My girlfriend told to me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.
A guy was admitted to the hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.
His condition is stable now.
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
Two priests go into the shower
In the shower they notice that there are no soap. One of them says "Il go to my room and bring 2 soap bars" runs naked to the room, grabs 2 bars of soap and when he was running back… 3 nuns show up, first thing he remembers to do "freezes like a statue".. Nuns look at the statue and say "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped" One of them, looking to the priest's "toy soldier" decides do pull it…. The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars The nun concludes then, that it is no statue…. It actually is a soap machine!! The second nun happily does exactly the same and the priest drops the second bar of soap! The third nun pulls it once…. Nothing… Pulls it twice….. Nothing…. Pulls it thrice…. Nothing… Pulls it again and again and again…. And finnaly marveled she says: "Lord be praised… It also gives shower gel!!"
Have you heard of the man who survived the electric chair
I was shocked but he wasn't
Why is “the mall” called “the mall?”
Because you don't just shop at one store, you shop at THEM-ALL
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs
A dad puts a deer in the oven and doesn’t tell the children what they’re having
Dad: “We’re having what Mum calls me” Kid: “DONT EAT IT ITS A FUCKING DICK”
I watched a dwarf escape from prison today. As he climbed down the fence, he smirked at me.
I thought to myself, "Hmmm, that's a little condescending."
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
And then it clicked.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
What happend before the crowbar was invented?
Crows had to drink at home.
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids…
I'm a faux pa.
Medusa is so hot
Every time I look at her I’m rock hard
Finland has just closed its borders
There’s no way we can cross the Finnish line now.
I don’t know why Marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk…
He's basically a giant banner.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Doctor: I can’t find out what your problem is. It could be due to excess alcohol consumption.
Me: It’s okay. I can come back when you are sober.
What exactly is Fat shaming?
Mass Awareness
A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time
He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger, “Oi! What animal is that then?” “That’s a moose,” the ranger replied. “A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”
My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.
She's a nightmare
What do you call a communist during winter?
A snowviet