I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
What do serial killers and fat girls on tinder have in common?
They both know how to hide their bodies.
Last weekend I went to see my gf’s soccer match and she did this awesome save…
…She's definitely a keeper! EDIT: This is the first joke I make up myself as a non-native speaker. I'm proud.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I hate that clown from IT.
Always joking around instead of fixing those damn computers.
A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis
Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day".
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
Why does every pothead want to be 5’8″ in height?
Then they literally 4'20"
We should give credit to the number 2.
It became a prime number against all odds.
My wife just gave me a restraining order..
Who knew there was an incorrect way to use a colander….
Yesterday I got mugged by six dwarves
Not happy
I loaned my car to an Italian chef last week.
He returned it all denty. Edit: my first gold! Thank you kind stranger.
I was going to start a bourbon company,
but I heard it's whiskey buisness.
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: โHow can you say such a thing?โ
Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt". I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.
My wife is really annoyed at my sense of direction.
So i packed up my things and right
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm… that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
Have you ever tried wanking with a dead arm???
I just got kicked out of another funeral home…..
![Jovial Electropherogram [not mine]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/jrlo1jt5tq641-400x186.jpg)
I hate negative numbers.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
With relationships, they say there’s plenty of fish in the sea…
But I'm just stuck here holding my rod
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
Knock knock / Whoโs there? / Broken pencil / Broken pencil who?
Nevermind itโs pointless.
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
LPT: When you are telling a joke to identical twins, make sure you say the entire joke.
Because it isnโt easy to tell them a part.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasnโt awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
When did bugs become potatoes?
What if like a ladybug got all dusty and stopped flying and became a Potatoe bug?
NSFW
Deciding not to wear a helmet to your construction job.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
Weโll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
What do you get if you divide a pumpkins circumference by its diameter?
Pumpkin ฯ Sorry.
One of my friends stole all the DVDs of my horror movie collection.
In the end I decided to let him go. However, I still hold The Grudge.
Did you know the first French Fries werenโt cooked in France?
They were actually cooked in Greece
