I saw a homeless guy living in a tyre. I did him a favour and punctured it.
Now he's living in a flat
A naked woman accidentally fell off of her 22nd story balcony. On her way down…
a gentleman from the 18th floor sticks his head out and catches her hand. As he hangs on to her hand he yells “If you promise to blow me then I’ll save your life!” “What is wrong with you?! Just fucking save me!!” She replies in disbelief. The gentleman then proceeds to let her fall. On her way down yet another gentleman peeks his head out and catches her by the hand, this time from the 16th floor. “I’ll save your life if you promise to fuck me after.” He offers while holding on to her hand. “Absolutely not! How could you say such a thing? Just save me! I need help and I don’t want to fall to my death you sick fuck!!” At this point she is pissed, but the gentleman let’s go of her hand and she continues to fall. On her way down, a gentleman sticks his hand out and catches her, this time from the 7th floor. As he is pulling her inside of his window, she frantically exclaims “I’ll suck!! I’ll fuck!! I’ll do anything for you!!” The gentleman pauses for a split second and mutters under his breath: “What a whore” and proceeds to drop her.
If you die from inhaling muffler fumes…
Do you die from exhaustion?
My boss told me as a security guard, it was my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, I don't know what it has to do with security though.
A bishop, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar
The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo”
So my actor friend wants out of the “biz”
I suggested he become a pharmacist. He says he's got no experience. I said "whatever," all you do is follow the script!
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. “It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. “Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”
A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?
Because they're all not 'C's.
Why don’t ghosts go into gyms?
Because people are exorcising.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
My son took some exams to become a pirate
He kept getting high C's
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks
My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?
Because they can't spell toboggan. – Stanley G. Kapuscinski
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code.
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, “What’s happening now?”
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!" "So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear. "Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
![[OC] Why shouldn’t you use your cell phone while traveling in Italy?](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/no_image_card-79-400x247.png)
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
Pedro and Juanita
Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar. One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body." Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to feel your titties." Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out." So Juanita storms up the stairs and wakes Pedro. She says "Pedro, Pedro there is a man in the cantina. He says he wants to kiss me all over my body." Pedro jumps off the bed and grabs his machete. He says "Where is he? I will cut him in half." Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to feel my titties." Pedro says "Where is he, I will cut in half twice." Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to fill my pussy with ice cream and eat it all out." Pedro looks disappointed, he puts the machete down and lies down on the bed again. Juanita says "Are you not going to cut him in half." Pedro says "No, any man that can eat that much ice cream is too big for me to fight with."
Made this a bit ago during a chem lab. Thought you guys would appreciate it :D
https://ift.tt/2AwRSmp
Mess up the formatting
How do you ruin a joke?
What’s the last thing a Tickle-Me-Elmo gets before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts.
My friend told me the funniest joke about the Gettysburg Address.
It was historical
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: I have no idea what he's for.
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
My sister: Wow dad, you smell good
Dad: I know, it’s because I use both of my nostrils
I starting wearing depressing outfits
It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.
I once threw a quarter into the San Andreas…
I have always wanted to be generous to a fault.
I just bought a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Bad joke. Only three stars.
Why was the baby jalapeno shivering?
He was a little chili.
