I saw a lady in tears at the store
She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot.
payitforward
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me!
I found a spot of cancer on my bingo card.
But don't worry, it was B9.
My doctor recently wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
My wife seems to think it's for dyslexia.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?”
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
Why can’t a pirate ever finish the alphabet ?
Because they are always stuck at C. 🐟🦑🐙
What do u call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer
Chocolate pie costs $1 in Jamaica and $1.25 in Aruba
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Maybe we can relate to the youth better by putting a cartoon about gadgets in a textbook!
https://ift.tt/2P1Qygl
I need to get rid of my Theremin,
I haven't touched it in years.
What did the little mermaid wear to math class
An algae- bra
Yesterday I ate a clock
It was very time consuming, especially when i went back for seconds
For those who suffer from paranoia, please remember you’re not alone.
They’re always watching.
What genre are national anthems?
Country music.
conjuctivitis.com
now that's a site for sore eyes
Sample guy at grocery store: You can take one if you want to.
Me: Can I take two if I want three?
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It’s gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick
A guy bursts into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.
The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.
Global chaos ensues. The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
Why are nuns’ outfits always ill fitting?
Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.
Why did the cargo ship carrying vegetables sink?
It had too many leeks.
Who can carry petrol?
Jerry can
An Inventor in the 1800s created a device that instantly eliminated all bells in the world.
He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements. edit:OC
An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college…
The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise. A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion coming from the lecture hall and decides to see what is going on. He gets as close as he can to the front a d asks one of the students trying to get in what the lecture is suppose to be about. “Well an engineer is in there, giving a speech entitled “The Mechanical Properties and Shear Strength Analysis of Joints Fastened By Means of Metallic Slugs Compressed by Pneumatic Tools” the Student replied. The man’s mouth dropped open in disbelief, “This whole crowd and all that noise, for something that sounds like a snooze fest?” he asked. The student replied, “Oh don’t let the name fool you. When it comes right down to it, it is simply riveting!”
Why did the rapper shave off his fancy mustache?
It couldn't handle the bars.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
People say I’m a plagiarist…
Their words, not mine.
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He's disqualified.
Is it just me or are circles pointless
No text found
I want to die in my sleep like my grandpa
Not screaming like the passengers in the car.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.
“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”
What do you call a Christian Game developed by Ubisoft?
Apostles Creed.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
