I saw a man with a clock on his belt today.
I thought “What as waist of time!”.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
It's Einstein's turn. He counts till ten and opens up his eyes. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein with a chalk in his hand. He's sitting on a box he's drawn, one metre a side. Einstein: Newton you're terrible, I can see you! Newton: No No Einy, you've found one Newton per square metre. You've found Pascal!
A Nazi walks into a bar…
A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there." As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar "Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf" Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before "Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar"
A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.
He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake. "Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said. So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high. My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers. How quaint, the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter's birthday. He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense. "Hello," the father asked, "I would like to buy a cake." "Of course," the monk replied, "just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk." The father thought this to be weird, but wanting to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad. The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe, and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have costed. The monk became the guest of honor and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked, "Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!" The monk smiled and said, "I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma."
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile
by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My credit card company sent me a camouflaged bull.
It’s the hidden charges you have to watch out for.
What do lawyers wear to work?
A lawsuit.
To be frank
I’ll have to change my name.
I couldn’t decide on how much lettuce to buy, until my wife helped me think it through.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Neverland's.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches
But then I realized it would be a waist of time
A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they’ll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.
The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset. As the sun dips in the sky, here comes the horse back, with a beautiful brunette in the saddle. "Is this your last request?" the chief asks. "Uh, no," says the cowboy. "My last request is to say goodbye to my horse once more." "Ok…" says the chief. The cowboy leans into his horses ear and hisses, "You idiot! I said 'Posse! Posse!"
Job interview
At a recent job interview I was asked "Can you perform under pressure?" I said "Unfortunately not, but I know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody."
The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
Y’all are weird.
Y’all are weird.
Where do DJs get their information?
The wiki wiki
Me: Sweet dog you got there
Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind
As I slipped my finger inside her hole….
I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new boat", I thought to myself.
How many lumberjacks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
'Bout tree fellers.
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?” she exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents an
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?
His name is Tim
Here’s how to fall down stairs:
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 10 Step 15 Step 19 Step 23 Step 35
A slice of apple pie is $2.00 in Jamaica, and $2.50 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic….
Eaten alive by a giant ass crab
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…
I heard Apple is developing a new car
But they were having trouble installing windows.
I believe that venison made from female deer should be classed as a form of bread.
After all, it's cooked doe.
The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.
As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up. As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns to him and says, "Sir, unfortunately, this is a very small helicopter, and we only have room for one more person. Who should we rescue?" The President peers over the edge of the chopper, at his closest allies down below. Among them are the Secretary of State, the Chief of Staff, and the National Security Adviser. By now, they are on the verge of being overwhelmed by the stormy sea, and whoever is left behind will certainly drown before more help arrives. He looks from one face to the next, before finally shaking his head in resignation, unable to choose who to save. "I'm too tired, son. Do what you think is best for the Nation." "Sir, yes sir!" The Soldier gives a sharp salute, before pushing the President back into the raging ocean and flying away.
Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates
I have started freezing different objects at -273.15°c and blowing them up. Seeing with items reacted differently.
I call it the 0k boomer experiment.
here’s my best COVID-19 joke:
for the first time ever, I'm hoping you all say "I didn't get it"
I got mad when my teacher told me I was an average student.
It was just a mean thing to say.
Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?
Because they didn't want to elect ron
My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple
Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes
A tree’s first winter must be terrifying.
Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.
A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom…
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."