I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.
I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."
Poetic violence in chemistry book
How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions. 6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.' Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.' 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct. 49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn). 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page. 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here. 24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs. 44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you. 12 to post F. 8 to ask what F means. 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs. 15 People to post "I can't see S$%!" and use their own light bulbs. 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$" 4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". 13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs." 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments. 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views. 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously. 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.
I won a carnival goldfish once…
It had an irrational fear of ping pong balls.
What do you call a 45 Cents concert?
50 Cents featuring Nickel back
I’ve been playing Tetris a lot lately.
It was a bit difficult at first but now everything's falling into place.
True just true.
Book your tee time now!
Pretty accurate to me
Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”
Trump is like doggo
A guy broke into my house last night and was looking for money.
So I got up and looked with him.
People with different ideologies aren’t people!!!1!!!
I’m currently getting into game development
Little adaptation of mine from one of Cyanide and Hapiness comics!
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
How was the roman empire cut in half
With a pair of Caesars
He’s admitting to the toxins!
A Blonde Joke
Two ladies, blonde and a brunette, meet up for lunch. The Brunette tells the blonde that she just had sex with a Brazilian. The Blonde excitedly exclaims, "Oh my god! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
A whole juicy story
US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.
The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.
I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay…
They arrested me.
Never date a baker!
They're way too kneady…
Husband bad, even when it’s santa.
BREAKING: North Korean Leader in vegetative state following surgery.
They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells
Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells
He’s not wrong
Toilet bad water bowl good
Here we go again
back in my day!
I own a pen that can write under water
It can write other words too
Open for business
when sketchy imitates life
tHiS iSn’t ThE bReXiT i v0tEd fOr
Coronavirus told through emojis
History repeats; first as tragedy, then as farce
My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.
Me: That’s ….sound advice.
How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?
All the red flags.
People are offended by the smallest things these days
So please keep your dick in your pants
I only believe in about 12.5% of the bible
I’m an eighth-theist
When you forget to set a reference for the texture
God Bless my Family
When 3 people have sex, it’s a threesome. When 2 people have sex, it’s a twosome.
Now I understand why they call you handsome
That’s how mafia works
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and mute, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !" The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
SEAL OF THE PRESIDENT
What’s the joke
Am I normal?
Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs
…like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Has anyone ever had a glass snake as a pet?
I had one once, it was a real pane in the grass to catch though…
It is what it is…
A plane is full of a bunch of Redditors…
And suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and all say, “I’m not a doctor, but….