I saw a sign at a roadside stand that read, “Lobster Tails ~ $2.00”, so I stopped the car, walked over and handed my money to the proprietor. He looked me in the eyes, took a deep breath and said…
"Once upon a time, there was this lobster…"
Ask them to pronounce unionized.
"404" sounds pretty fucking high!
Stranger Things have happened.
They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading. Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question. Ubisoft answered every question, but the answers were all incorrect. Ubisoft explained that they planned to fix the answers later after the test was graded. EA, answered the first question correctly, but the rest of the test sheet was blank. EA then demanded a dollar for each answer after the first, but couldn't guarantee it would be the correct answer. And Valve put their pen down after answering the 2nd question.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cause every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"
It was a miner injury.
We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
He handed the teller 10,000 Yen and the teller returned him $90. Confused, the Japanese man said "last month I exchanged 10,000 yen and received $100. Why today only $90?" The teller replied "Fluctuations" "Oh yeah? Fluck you Yankees too!" retorted the Japanese man
"I'm a big metal fan."
The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. Thank you Stephen King for this wonderful joke.
Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
I now have four.
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
It's their little anty bodies.
She said why? are you feeling horny? I said no we need bread!
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
Guess you could say I’m now… Illegally Blonde
The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out. 'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off' 'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!' 'Jason has had his skate board taken off him After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!' Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar' EDIT: HATERS GONNA HATE; REPOSTERS GONNA REPOST. I LOVE Y’ALL!
But this ones on the house
Turns out I’m 100% dyslexic.
It was tense.
Boil the heck out of it.
"Don't look I'm changing!"
I just can’t deal with this any more.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
That way it will never come for me.
I won't be spoken to in that tone!
… guess you could say he sleighed it
Then you’re looking in Alderaan places
My wife and I went out for dinner the other day. When I ordered a steak she angrily said “You really like meat huh, murderer?!”
I sighed and replied "I has been 20 years, can you please stop bringing up the time I shot your father?"