I saw a sign that said “Rest area 25 miles”…
I thought,wow, that's pretty big
Donβt take life too seriously.
Youβll never get out of it alive anyways.
My brother came to me and said that he didn’t understand cloning
I said that makes two of us
Why does ketchup always have good vision?
Because Heinz's sight is always 20-20.
My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9
Personally, I prefer it without the period.
An athlete walks into a bar
And gets eliminated from the high jump competition
I just ended a 5 year relationship
Itβs ok though. Wasnβt my relationship.
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Never Lands! I like this joke because it never grows old π
I was once in an airplane when I realized the pilot didn’t pass any proper training
He was just winging it
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night
Not Happy
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
If youβre dating someone who doesnβt enjoy Star Wars puns…
Then youβre looking in Alderaan places
Why is it so difficult for a T-Rex to masturbate?
Because they're extinct.
Heard they are making a movie about Coronavirus
Its going to be directed by Quentin Quarantino.
What’s the difference between a casino and a church?
You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
Did you hear about the scarecrow who got a promotion?
He was out standing in his field.
I want to go to Vegas next year
But I can't find any information about what happens there
What does the scrotum of a catholic priest look like?
Stupid question, even a child knows that.
Want to hear a joke about Construction?
I'm still working on it.
Can a Ninja throw Stars?
Shur-he-kan
Our new librarian is very polite and I think she is Italian…
I've just taken a book back that was months overdue but, rather than charging me, she just said, "That's-a-fine."
Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?
They had no chemistry π₯Ί
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
A man is on a stretcher, being prepped for surgery.
The surgeon walks in, takes a deep breath and says: βOkay, David. This is a simple operation.β The man says: βMy name isnβt David.β The surgeon replies: βNo, itβs my name.β
Young Virgin Couple
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "Now what do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
The seminar βHow To Avoid Fraudsβ is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
To the person who stole my selfie stick…
…You need to take a long look at yourself.
Just spent $300 dollars on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn’t include a driver……
Cant believe i just spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
Do you know where the first bovine astronauts landed?
The mooooooooon
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp (xPost)
http://bit.ly/2WXImOS
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
Two guys are on opposite sides of a river.
One yells to the other "Hey! How do I get to the other side?" The other responds "You are on the other side!"
As I was racking up to shoot some pool with my son, he said, βDo you wanna break?β
I said, βWe just got here. How lazy are you?β