I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.
“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound”
“With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or something?”
“Well no, you see, I was just driving along, and I got cutoff by this BMW…”
“Okay yeah, so you are definitely wasting my time here. There is absolutely nothing even remotely suspicious about this, at all. I drive a marked squad car, that’s with the lights and everything, they just don’t care. I get cutoff by asshole beamer drivers every single day. I can’t even be bothered to pull them over, I would never get anything else done.”
“Yeah, I know, I wasn’t all that surprised either at first. I mean, I saw the BMW cruising up pretty fast in my side mirror so I was expecting it, and then the driver flipped on the turn signal, and…”
“On my way!”
I was thrown out of music school for plagiarism.
They thought I was stealing songs, but I was just taking notes.
What’s faster, cold or hot?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!!!"
i think i saw the word bullshit a few times in the movie
i think i saw the word bullshit a few times in the movie
I’m gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
I don’t like how shopping centres are so similar..
You see one, you've seen a mall.
It is humorous because the gop genuinely think trump is beloved to ALL veterans
https://ift.tt/32aFD8i
Why is 1 = 0
cos 0 = 1
Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early?
They like to beat the crowd
At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.
And three years later, that priest went to prison.
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
My friend can’t afford his water bill…
So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.
Why does Reddit have 2 d’s?
The second one is a repost….
Detroit isn’t That Bad… Trust Me
A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying. "No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family." The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community is great… you'll be fine, trust me." The other guy seems to perk up and says, "Hey, thanks man, you've really calmed my nerves, I feel better. So what do you do in Detroit?" "I'm a tail-gunner on a Bud Light truck…"
Hey, fork you.
I'm sorry, that wasnt very knife.
I just ordered a vault and loudspeaker online
They just arrived. Safe and sound Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad
Milk is the fastest liquid on earth
It's pasteurized before you even see it!
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
I got the words “jacuzzi” and ” yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you … you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
My local church recently held a masquerade themed dinner and whilst the priest was saying grace I suddenly realised…
It was a blessing in disguise.
My son cheated on his physics test, and has no idea how much trouble he is in.
He doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
Boy: Fires handgun at the shooting range…
Dad: "You're holding a shot gun now."
A guy walks into a dentist office.
He says "Doc, you have to help me! I think I am a moth!" The Dentist says "I can't help you, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you even come in here?" The man replies "The light was on."
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
He said, “I cum in peas.”
How literally every discussion between frontend and backend web devs looks like
https://ift.tt/2siOYhJ
What’s the difference between Bill Clinton’s VP in makeup versus out of makeup?
One's gorgeous, the other's just Gore.
Ever tried blind archery?
You don't know what you are missing.
If sounding my B’s as V’s makes me Russian
Then Soviet
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme…