I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette
I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire.
The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket!
After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out she didn't have a license for that firearm.
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, ‘Father,may I ask a favor?’
‘Of course child. What can I do for you?’ ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electric hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps? ‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.’ ‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’ When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.. The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’ ‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’ The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’ ‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’ Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next!
Why do Americans still think they are in “The Greatest country in the world”?
When your citizens are 37th in the world in education, you can pretty much tell them anything.
NSFW Girl to her friend: Do you know how many calories there are in a load of cum?
Friend: Sweetie, if you're swallowing enough to worry about it, no one will care if you're a little chubby.
Another one of those “impeachable if it was any other presidents” to throw on the pile.
https://ift.tt/2CtoYkV
“Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room.”
"Thanks Grandpa!" "Why did you call me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
Teacher asked “What is the formula of water?” Student said “H I J K L M N O” teacher said “that’s not the formula of water”
Student said “you said the formula was H to O”.
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won’t open.
Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.
Do you know the antonyms of the following words?
Always Coming From Take Me Down
How do you cut the ocean in half?
Use a sea saw.
Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
Be Careful Standing On One Leg At The ATM!!!!
Worst way to check your balance. crickets
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
I’ve just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there’s no instructions on how to use it.
It's left me scratching my head to be honest.
My dad said he’s going to a concert.
Me: Hey dad, where are you off to? Dad: I'm heading out to a Korean boy-band show. Me: KPOP?! Dad: Yes, I'm fine.
I can’t see an end, have no control and don’t think there’s any escape! I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard!!
An Authoritarian walks into a bar.
Orders everyone around.
Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.
Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off
I’ve got an advent calendar for Jehovah’s Witnesses…
Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.
Obama: “we continue to wait for a coherent national plan to navigate this pandemic”
https://ift.tt/2VzdwyN
I broke my only hole puncher today
Now I've got two half punchers
Did you hear about Bert the brown nosed reindeer?
He's second behind Rudolph but can't stop as quickly.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and it settles on their land.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
I bought some bug spray.
Every time I pull the trigger grasshoppers fly out.
I was once addicted to soap.
Now I’m clean.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana,
I suggest you watch all documentaries this way.
Did you hear about the female rapper who only rapped when she was on her period?
They say she had a mean flow.
Did you read the news about corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines everywhere!
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
Why do pirates love Reddit?
It's the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.