I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night.
The performance was a little wooden.
My Communist girlfriend is a real psycho….
How in the world did I miss all the red flags?
A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.
Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes? Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years. Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people. Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac. Student: how about someone who is aroused by feces? Prof: that’s not so common but I believe they call those people coprophiliacs. Student: Wow, you know a lot. Ok, what about me? I’m aroused by sticking my junk into a bag of cashews. What would you call me? Prof: well I’d say your fucking nuts.
As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home…
She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."
My friend recently came out and said he was gay.
But I didn’t believe him because he said it with a straight face
What do you say to a jedi who you do a favour for?
You Owe Me One, Kenobi
It annoys me when Engineering students call themselves Engineers…
You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leaves…
He loves the poorly educated for a reason
My Dad send me this. Dont know if he is serious…
Smoking is bad for your health, go to a war zone instead!
Completely unaware of the looming danger!
I don’t tell dad jokes often
but when I do, he laughs
What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3 Me: There you go. So, what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"
A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.
So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrassed, the charity worker replied. "Well, uhm no." "Also, did you know about my mother who is confined to a wheelchair and is living in a homeless shelter?" "Well no sir." "Exactly!" said the millionaire "So if I didn't help them, what makes you think I'll help you?"
I got fired from the sperm bank today
Cause every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"
When my wife was in labour, I tried to distract her by telling terrible jokes, but it didn’t work.
It must have been the delivery.
It really isnt Australia’s year
You did it, you son of a bitch you did it
I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold." His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?" The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
Matthew McConaughey’s Lincoln can’t turn left
It just goes all-right all-right all-right
Where does it hurt
I was reading an article and then this
Weird, isn’t it?
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don't.
Thinking about changing majors
Now All Hundreds Of Them Are Weak
Putin on a trip.
Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked: Agent: age? Putin: 66 Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.
Chemistry just a nightmare
I’ll tell you a corona virus joke now…
But you will have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
Saw on Twitter. Immediately thought of this sub.
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows trend?
I hear it’s making real headlines.
Translation: I don’t need the Top do I get the rest on sale?
How did the pharaoh get so rich?
He was running a huge pyramid scheme.
a s s
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
This is how VPN works
Context of Agenda
It’s a young blonde genie’s first day on the job…
It's a young blonde genie's first day on the job. After returning to genie HQ from her very first charge, she is clearly distraught. The other genies, concerned, ask her what's wrong. She tells them of the young man who's wishes she granted. For his first wish, he asked for a truckload of money. Easy enough, *poof* I provide him with a huge truck, filled top to bottom with cash, and he appears very happy. For his second wish, he wants to be adored by hundreds of beautiful women. I Grant him this wish as well. All the women who are walking by smile and wink at him. One of her fellow genies says, " well, that all sounds great, why are you so upset?" Our genie replies, the last wish is what I just don't understand. He seemed so happy with his first two wishes, why with his third did he wish to be hung like a black man?
Also a bit racist, classic combo
I, too, will come back from college with a glorious beard and ‘stache
Are there actually people who do this?
The orange makeover
My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
Why isn’t the submarine doing well in school.
He's below c-level
Xenon awareness is crucial
what do you call an acid with an attitude?
Wash your hands
Shitting his shell
Pornhub premium users are like jesus
They pay for our sins.
“Its the American Dream…”
u gotta be kidney me
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "get down" at the president anymore.. They should yell "Donald, duck!"
My wife complains that I don’t buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
Why are there two D’s in “Reddit?”
The second one's a repost.
Why couldn’t the coast guard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out
I like it complicated
This thing from my English book
Gonna Make ‘Em Sweat!
20 canibals started working in an IT company
After about six months their boss comes up to them and says that he is very pleased with their work, that they're exemplary emloyees and that he is very happy to have them. He also says that the cleaning lady has vanished a couple of days ago and asks if they happen to know anything about that. "No sir" says the head canibal. "OK" says the boss and leaves them be. "Alright" says the head canibal when the boss has left "Who did it?!" "I did!" one of them admits. "You idiot! We've been having fifty different types of manager in the past six months and nobody batted an eye! You had to eat the one person in this office that actually gets any work done!"
Hmm…Adidas, Reebok, or Puma…What do you guys think?
My partner thinks Adidas, but I think Reebok is a good name for a baby boy.
I took my new gun out to the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
How bout a blowjob?
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ….And she's always sound asleep."