I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
What did Yogi Bear’s sidekick call his injury?
America 2020- DONE with Dixie
Head on the clouds
She still loves you tho
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Just turn it on and off again!
sexual assault good
I make the spegat and eat the spegat
I can get behind building this wall.
I wish tree jokes were more poplar
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So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup" "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…". "Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go", the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000".
A physicist see a man about to jump from a ledge. He yells.
"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
same thing in different forms
Netflix: Are you still watching? Someone’s daughter:
Fake Commercial #3 – Data protection 2 0
Turn out the lights >:o
Not mine, from the strip War and Peas. So true.
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
To the individual who stole my glasses…
I will find you. I have contacts.
H2O ——> OH + H
Cute comic from my adorable MIL
It only takes one
My wife’s dog died. Soto cheer her up I bought her another one just like it. …
She was furious. “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?” she said.
Satan setting us to a trap we learned to love.
the only thing more satisfying is having glucose in stock
Yoda is wise
Sure ya do.
A man dies and goes to hell.
There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one. First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will whip you for another 12 hours." Then he comes to the Russian hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Russian devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He notices a long queue behind Chinese hell. He thought it would be easier and asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the Chinese devil will whip you for another 12 hours." He asks why there are so many people behind it. The devil says, "Well, the bed of nails is made in China and will break within 1 hour." "And the devil?" The devil replies,"He has been coughing lately."
An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?” – The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
I have a fear of speed bumps…
…but I'm slowly getting over them.
A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they’ll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.
The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset. As the sun dips in the sky, here comes the horse back, with a beautiful brunette in the saddle. "Is this your last request?" the chief asks. "Uh, no," says the cowboy. "My last request is to say goodbye to my horse once more." "Ok…" says the chief. The cowboy leans into his horses ear and hisses, "You idiot! I said 'Posse! Posse!"
What do you call a knight with no foreskin?
What’s angry, calm and white?
My bi-polar bear.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
Thought NZ would win the World Cup
Thanksgiving day, November 28th 1986
I have OCD so whenever someone says “tho”
I always respond with "ugh"
Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
Teachers in the 90s
haha its funny because he’s a puppet hahaha
The other night, I asked my dad how far away are we from dinner?
My brother pulled out some measuring tape, asked me to hold one end as he held the other end and walked towards the oven. "…. about 12 feet." 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 bro is basically a certified dad now
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works. 😀
Why can’t you hear a pterosaur go to the bathroom?
Because the p is silent.
A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch
However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said: 'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.' 'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile. The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student at the exams. At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: 'You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?' 'The gold.' 'Unfortunately, I don't agree. I'd choose cleverness, because that's more important than money.' 'Everyone would choose what they don't have,' says the student. The teacher turns red, and he's so angry he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says: 'Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!'
I heard a rumor about butter. . .
But I don't want to spread it.
I don’t think it’s going well for the calendar
Its days are numbered.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector …
‘cause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate
Found some Facebook boomer gold.
Sunsets are nice
Woman no funny
Genie: You have only one more wish left.
Me: I wish I was a star. Gen⭐e: We⭐rd but okay.
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
Got some paper towel rolls?
High level meme
Damn it exit! Exit! EXIT!
Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.
Now they also call me poor.
My 67 y/o quiet and shy dad wanted me to share his masterpiece across North America