I saw on the news that someone just broke into my local police station and stole all the toilets.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
I have a fear of numbers which aren’t the ratio of two integers.
It's really irrational.
Blind man goes for surgery
A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life. "Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection." "Is that a common side effect from the surgery," the blind man asks. "No," says the doctor. "It's just that your wife is ugly."
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying βyeah this isnβt really for me, Iβm not having 67 more of those in my faceβ
A car
Therapist: So what brought you two here? Wife: I just hate how he takes things so literally? Therapist: What about you? Husband: A car.
My wife is constantly changing her name, but gets mad at me when I call her the new name.
Sometimes it's hungry, sometimes it's tired, sometimes it's angry. Please help.
I will die in a month
but don't know in which one.
Where do lizards go to fix their fallen tails?
The retail shop
To the guy who stole my antidepressants…
I hope you're happy now
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? btw I waited 1 whole year to tell this joke
Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
Instructor: don't lick my lips again.
My Girlfriend has been repeatedly asking me βAre you a character from Alice in Wonderland?β and itβs getting really annoying
My Friend asked me βAre you mad at her?β I replied βDonβt you start tooβ
βCan you please change my grade?β
βOf course,β Tom remarked.
My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child’s feet
She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
Taking things literally
is stealing.
The exact moment a “states rights” president claims total authority over them.
https://ift.tt/3eiMGlz
3 unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
I am giving up drinking for a month
Sorry that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, then what is C for?
Plastic explosives.
Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.
Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and the prince made a similar gesture, but again Heimlich ignored him. This continued with a duke, a Duchess, and an Earl. Every time, Heimlich continued on without giving them another thought. Late in the evening, Heimlich saw a poor farmer who was holding his throat. He rushed over to him and performed his famous life-saving maneuver. A piece of bread flew from the farmerβs mouth, and he begin gasping for breath. All of the people were amazed. A small boy walked up to him and said, βMr. Heimlich, you ignored the queen when she pretended to be choking. You also ignored the prince, the duke, the Duchess, and the Earl. How did you know that the farmer actually needed your help?β Henry Heimlich looked down at him and smiled. βThe real choke is always in the commons,β he said.
Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?
Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing
I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window…..
Little did I know the window was rolled down… at least it stopped crying
I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed
Trouble is, none of them work.
Talking to god
So this man is talking to God and he says: βGod, is it true that a million years is like a second to you?β Then God says: βYes. A million years is like a second to me.β Then the man says: βSo if a million years is like a second to you, is it true that a million dollars is like a penny for you?β Then God said: βYes. A million dollars is like a penny to me.β So the man says: βGod, can I please have a penny?β Then God says: βYeah just give me a second.β
Never get in a fight with a T-rex.
You'll get jurasskicked..
Today is a day we celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.
He must be a part of some extreme mist group.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
I’m having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek League.
Good players are hard to find.
A farmer and a king died at the same time.
They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates. "Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?" The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits. "Wonderful," said St. Peter. "What can you do, your majesty?" The king immediately went to the nearest toilet and flushed it. Ultimately, St. Peter made the decision to allow the king into heaven. And the moral of the story is, a royal flush always wins against a pear, no matter how big.
I was about to play cards after a long dayβs work, but I found the aces missing.
I just canβt deal with this any more.
A family are driving behind a garbage truck….
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
A bar walks into Albert Einstein.
Oops, wrong frame of reference.
Superman is flying though the air super horny…
When he notices Wonder Woman laying totally naked on top of a skyscraper, legs spread wide open. He thinks to himself, man, Iβm Supermanβ¦ Faster than a speeding bullet. I can go down there, fuck the shit out of her as fast as I can and be out of there before she feels a thing. He swoops down as fast as he can and within a second, heβs gone. βWhat was that?!β screamed Wonder Woman. βI donβt knowβ the Invisible Man said. βBut my asshole is killing me.β