I saw this one memes and figured it belonged here
Deadly dad that provides and a protective mother that nurtures.
Deadly dad that provides and a protective mother that nurtures.
I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
She said: “in a mirror” This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.
I used to be an electrician…
…but the working conditions were shocking
The girl I just started dating told me she is Russian
I told her I think we should take things slowly
People told Beethoven he could not be a musician because he was deaf.
He didn't listen though.
I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward
Man being a teacher is hard
I’ve never been good at scrapbooking…
…but I guess I can give it the ol' collage try.
Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
When she noticed me, we went for a run
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
What does a magician say when he sells his stuff
No strings attached.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.
Why can’t a transgender see their father?
Because he is transparent
I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.
Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”
I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”
What is the definitions of a will?
You guys should know this one, it’s easy, a dead giveaway.
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
In response to your request for an apology and retraction, our answer is “no.”
https://ift.tt/2xZ1fuB
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black
Why does Batman wear Dark clothing?
Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright clothing? Batman doesn't want to get shot.
I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet.
Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day.
It's still syncing
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
Which body part dies last ?
The eyes, because they dilate.
I lost my voice today.
I can't tell you how annoying it is.
A clown opened up my post today
No text found
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.