I saw two guys walking around in same outfit with their dog, so I ask them if they were gay.
Those faggots arrested me.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gag My wife told me this one to me. Not my joke
Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me
I'm fine – i only suffered super fish oil injuries
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. "Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."
A Jewish mother goes on a flight
The plane takes off. After a while she stands up and ask loudly: “is there a doctor in this plane?” A man comes quickly and say: “I’m a doctor, what happened?” The woman replies: “would you like to meet my daughter?”
I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people
Now I am at the hospital.
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
Bernie said he’s going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse
On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.
A woman was in court being sentenced for beating her husband to death with his electric guitars…
Judge: First offender? Woman: No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,
That’s just how I roll.
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
My wife just admitted that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I can look at her in the same light ever again.
How do celebrities stay cool?
They have many fans.
Why do dragons sleep at day time?
So they can fight knights.
What’s the difference between your Wife and your Job?
Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks.
Does someone recognize the icons in this video and understand what the hell is going on?
https://ift.tt/2XA3Raj
I tripped in France
Eiffel over
When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears
so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.
My dad’s so cheap
That when he dies he'll walk toward the light and switch it off.
I’d tell a Jonestown joke, but
the punchline is too long
What happened to the frogs car when it broke down?
It got toad away.
It’s amazing how Seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid December and I’m freezing…
But apparently back in the England it's the end of May.
I put a “Honk if you think I’m sexy” bumper sticker on my car.
My self confidence is skyrocketing! A TON of people think I’m sexy at this green light right now….
Corduroy pillowcases are back in the news…
They’re making all the headlines…
My cousin tries to keep posting jokes on this sub, but gets repeatedly banned by the mods.
He’s my cousin, twice [removed].
A dad puts a deer in the oven and doesn’t tell the children what they’re having
Dad: “We’re having what Mum calls me” Kid: “DONT EAT IT ITS A FUCKING DICK”