I said, "Hi, do you do deliveries?" He said, "Yes, sir. Of course." "Superb," I said, "I've got a Domino's Pizza ready to pick up."
When I turned into a teenager, my dad repeatedly emphasized the importance of using a condom whenever I have sex.
He said, “Anyone who would sleep with you would sleep with almost anyone else.”
Robin: “What the hell is a tery?”
If you can’t come let me know
When it leaves you and never comes back.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
So I just came in my pants
Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
Either twice the Dad jokes or an infinite loop of “Go ask your mom”.
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN OSLO!
Oh well, new year, new me!
"I only have my shelf to blame…"
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both." "Fuck off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fucking one?"
My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
He replied “Okay, suture self”
Because their "bi-winks".
I'm okay but I went into bananaphylactic shock.
The second time was a big let down!!!
They're… hill areas.
He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!” “Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”
It runs in our jeans
So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.
Now I have a bitcoin.
I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.