I SCREAMED
A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?” The scout leader says, “No, that snake’s not poisonous at all.” So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.
Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?" Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said…
“You know, one would’ve been enough!”
Someone complimented me from Sweden. I said…
That’s Swede of you
What else could he say??
A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked. "That's his trunk, honey," Mom replied. "No, that other thing," Johnny insisted. "Oh, you must be looking at his tail," Mom offered. "No, Mommy, that big thing underneath him, by his belly," Johnny said. Realizing her son was asking about the elephant's penis, Mom got embarassed. "Oh, that's nothing, sweetie. Daddy went to get some popcorn. When he comes back, he can tell you all about the elephants." Soon, Dad came back with popcorn, and Mom went to use the restroom. Johnny took the opportunity to question his father. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Daddy?" "That's his trunk, son," Dad said. "No, Daddy, not his trunk, and not his tail. I mean that big thing underneath, by his belly," Johnny repeated. "Oh, that," Dad said. "That's his penis, Johnny." "Huh," mused the five year old. "Mommy said that was nothing." "Son," sighed Dad, "I've spoiled that woman."
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. “Where are you going?” she asks. “I’m coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.”
My friend, who is a Jehovah’s Witness, is really mad at me.
He told me a Knock Knock joke, and I refused to answer.
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
A bear walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender, "I'll have a………………beer." The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."
People say that dad jokes aren’t very clever.
But then I look back on the post that I have saved from a year ago that says otherwise.
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet.
In order to improve higher education…
We must build taller schools
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger
Then it hit me
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime. It's cake and y'all know the rules!
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes
Three guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Why is getting broken up with like doing algebra?
You've got an ex, and you're trying to figure out why.
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old
Those are the years you’re in your prime
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."
Chewbacca crashed the Millenium Falcon the first time he flew it.
Wookiee mistake.
Today I wished my dad a Happy Father’s Day.
His response: “Thanks son. I couldn’t have done it without you!” Happy Father’s Day!!
The past, present, and future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
13% 18-29 voter turnout in California. Vote for your future. BTW not American. (OC)
https://ift.tt/3coY4eO
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
A restaurant served me soggy spaghetti
So I put in a re-straining order.
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him
“I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?” The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
My 8yo son hit me with this one tonight before bed: “Why did the minnow cross the ocean?”
"To get to the other tide." I'm too young to be a grandfather!
My girlfriend got mad at me because I had sex with her twin…
…I told her it wasnt my fault, they look just alike. But she didnt believe me because her hair is a lot longer than his.
A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.
A doctor came to greet him. "Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked. "I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied. "Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital." "I'm not a president. I'm an airport."
I finally understood Einstein’s theory of relativity.
It was about time.
I seriously have to stop dropping things.
It’s really been getting out of hand.
What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was…
It was a brief case…