I sent my baby off to the army. They put him in the infantry.
The Toe Truck (Tow Truck)
It runs in my jeans.
They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.
Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.
When you're a billionaire.
Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.
This is the donning of the "h" of Ahquarius.
My grandfather, who was in the army, once told me, “1940, I met my first love. 1946, my second. 1950, I met the woman of my dreams.”
“It was quite a hectic evening.”
Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie.
Not what you're thinking
It scares the shit out the dog.
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.
He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”
A television newslady is interviewing a horse that can tell whether a person is a homosexual or not. “Am I homosexual?” Asked the newslady. “Neigh,” said the horse.
The newslady turns to the camera and says, "you heard it folks. 'Straight' from the horses mouth."
Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.
But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
…the NSA will finally read it.
I chose Caerphilly.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer. “I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler. “Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman. So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”
It was a booby trap
They lost my case.
It was an autobiography…
Before you ask her out, she is both single and taken
LEFT WING DESTROYED
To see a chicken strip.