I seriously learnt nothing in school
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock
Last saturday I went to a stand up comedy event
The only joke there was me, so you can imagine how bad it was.
Why was the card dealer at the casino so resilient?
He dealt with whatever was thrown his way
How does a farmer count his cows?
He uses a COWculater.
My dad tried to punch the fog today…
he mist.
Why do graveyards have fences?
Cause people are dying to get in.
So, I’m reading this book written in Braille…
I just know something terrible’s about to happen… I can feel it.
John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding…
John: "Is there a problem officer?" Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?" John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk" Cop: "Holy shit!" The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up. Chief: "Sir, may I see your license?" John: "Sure" John had his license Chief: "May I see the vehicle's owner registration?" John: "Sure" It was in his car Chief: "Could you open your glove box?" John: "Sure" There were no weapons Chief: "Could you pop open your trunk?" John: "Be my guest" There were no bodies in the trunk Chief:"Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and the owner's dead body in the trunk" John: "Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding"
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
How do you turn a joke into a dad joke?
You make the punchline apparent.
You’ve heard of Murphy’s law right?
It says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
I just bought Spider Man pyjamas
I hope he likes them
Why was the locomotive always hungry?
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
Coding in binary takes a lot of effort.
You have to do it bit by bit.
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
I almost missed my cake day!
That would have been real crumby.
Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)
A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it. " – Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?" " – They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze." " – And what color are you going to wear tonight?" " – Gold, obviously!" " – Why not Silver? It'd be great if you came second, for a change."