I sexually identify as Michael Jackson
My pronouns are He/Hee
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (the answer is not what you’re thinking)
Not what you're thinking
My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings
Can’t say that I‘m surprised
You know being self quarantined isn’t even that boring
But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.
Story of most of the programmers 🤔😂😂
She was lit
Kinda true lmao
What do whores and Walmart have in common?
We all make fun of them, but when we’re inside one at 4am we’re glad they’re around.
Why I never worry about function or class parameters
A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]
Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted. So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each. When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and starts sucking on it. The barteneder forgetting that they had not payed yet thinks something else is going on so he kicks them out. They repeat this for around 15 more bars and are hammered. Then the first guy says "damn my back hurts from bending over so much!" The second says "you think that's bad? I lost the sausage 7 bars ago"
“Honey, where’s my pointer?”
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile, he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
Idiots is the polite description …
There’s a very clear distinction between the good and the bad guys here
You can’t make this up! This idiot is so fucking beyond!
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once…
… I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Much very good.
Gotta do it compulsively
Meanwhile in Lebanon
let this = bullshit;
The early bird gets the worm
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
that is not an anti-pattern, what are you talking about?
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knee to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
Silent Generation Humor?
Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?
So they can Scan da navy in
Happiness ..i cant express 🥺
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods
But its harder to deter gents
My son just threw a milk carton at me
Does it work?
This is facts
Beat the crap out of that little fucker
Multicore programming be like
Sustainability vs Simplicity
Found in the wild
A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.
“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims. “Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says. “Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”“Oh, that’s nothing” The 90 year old says. “I have it the worst!”“Can you pee?” The first man asks.“Certainly! Every morning at 7, I pee like a champion.”“Can you poop?” The second man asks.“Yes I can! Each morning at 8, I have a regular bowel movement.”“Then I don’t understand what the problem is!” The first man says.“Well, I wake up at 9!”
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It’s still fowl language
My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan
It's like I have never seen herbivore
Sad boy hours
At least it’s android now.
who needs a certificate!
*laughs in pathetic*
Oh. That kind of wireless
174k in my thread queue
My Great Uncle’s Final Words
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes. "Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you." My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired." Those were his last words.
2020 isn’t finished yet.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying
Are you having a crisis?
A Review for Ark: Survival Evolved on Steam.
When you develop a browser extension that is not scalable enough to handle 1,400 tabs!
At least it’s not hateful
A tree is narrow at the top and wide at the bottom – Our professor.
Maybe it’s a repost..but this never gets old
My friends keep telling me I’m on the autism spectrum…
…I can never tell if they’re joking or not.
Big noses, ugly wife, technology bad, check check check
Just found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.
That's 27 years of rigorous training, straight down the fucking drain.
Hahahaha, we’re all doomed
Holiday Conversation Starters For The Bored And The Brave.
You never know….
What do you call an exploding duck?
A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar…
And checks his clock. "1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to ripp my balls off" – Thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up" So he asks the barman for a coffe, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him: -So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day? The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool: -Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers. The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds: -The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck.
Three sisters get married, each to another man
The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them. She decides to take each of them on a walk separately. The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the second guy and again, "accidentally" falls into the same pond. He doesn't hesitate either, and jumps in to save her. The next day, he too gets a notification on his phone that he received 500 dollars, also with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the third guy and again "accidentally" falls into the pond. The guy looks around if anyone can see, decides that no one is watching, and walks away. The next day, he gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars aswell with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your father in-law, James"
Physics edition of the bipolar meme
A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.
As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. “I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” “Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as long as you don’t lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, I’ll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man. The man agreed to the Chinese man’s conditions. However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw how beautiful she was. “This old Chinese guy will never find out,” the man thought to himself. So that night the man went to the Chinese man’s daughter’s room and they had mad passionate sex. The next day the man woke up and there was a huge rock on his chest. There was a sign on it that said “Chinese torture number 1: Rock on chest.” The man laughed and though to himself “Is this really the worst Chinese torture?” He then threw the rock out the window and started to walk towards the bedroom door and then he stopped when he saw the sign on it. It said “Chinese torture number 2: Rock tied to right testicle.” The man started to panic. He decided to jump out the window with the rock because a few broken bones is better than a castration. As he fell out the window, he saw a sign in the ground. It said “Chinese torture number 3: left testicle tied to bedpost.”
Cmon guys, they’re boomers
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkles clothes?
An iron deficiency.
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.
What does orange juice and my dad have in common?
They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.
This is an oldie, but it’s even more relevant now.