I shame those silly n00bs that dont know all the metric system prefixes
A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.
âVery well, my child,â says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, âTell me about your sins.â âWell, Father,â says the guy, âOn Monday, I was at my girlfriendâs house, and, well⌠the two of us alone, the house empty⌠I sinned, Father.â âDonât worry, child,â says the priest, âItâs perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins.â âBut Father,â continues the man, âIt doesnât end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriendâs house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well⌠the two of us alone, the house empty⌠I sinned again, Father.â âOh, child,â says the Father, âYou must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins.â âBut Father,â says the bloke again, âOn Wednesday, I was at my girlfriendâs house again, and she wasnât there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well⌠the two of us alone, the house empty⌠Again I sinned, Father.â âGood Lord,â says the priest, âChild, you must think about what you do, so pray-â âBut Father,â says the bloke, âOn Thursday, I was at my girlfriendâs house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, well⌠the two of us alone, the house empty⌠I sinned yet again, Father.â The priest falls silent. âAnd then,â continues the bloke, âOn Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and , well⌠the two of us alone, the house emptyâŚâ The priest still did not answer. âAnd on Saturday,â said the bloke, âI went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, wellâŚâ The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth â only to find the priest up on the belfry. âFather,â he calls, âWhat are you doing up there? I havenât finished!â âBack off, Iâm not coming down,â says the priest, âThe two of us alone, the Church's fucking empty⌠and I donât want you to sin anymore.â
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender
There are are only 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don`t
I complained to my wife about our sexless marriage
Zero fucks were given.
I went to the doctor and he cloned me without my permission.
I was beside myself.
Space heaters are the best house-warming gifts.
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Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting
I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man…
…and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby. He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do. âWell, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?â the owner says. The Mexican responds, âHow about $50?â The owner says âFine, thereâs a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage.â The ownerâs wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation asks her husband, âDoes he realize that the porch goes all around the house? Thatâs a whole dayâs job!!â The man replies, âHe should; he was standing on it. Not my problem if he didnât pay attention.â A short time later, the Mexican comes to the door and asks for the $50. âYouâve finished already?â the husband asks. âYes,â he replies, âand there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats.â Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to him. âAnd by the way,â the Mexican adds, âitâs not a Porsche, itâs BMW"
As a scarecrow, people say Iâm outstanding in my field.
But hay, itâs in my jeans.
WHAT I IF TOLD YOU…
That you read the first bit wrong.
Whatâs Irish and stays out all night?
Patty OâFurniture
What did one bone say to another bone?
Letâs meet up and share a joint.
There were 3 moles living in a hole…
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."
I bought some bird seed today
I wonder what kind of birds they will grow into.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly squats
Uuhhhhh someone messed up
https://ift.tt/2Ztrunc
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.
I took the shell off of my pet snail to see if it would move faster
But it just ended up being more sluggish.
Why do females make the best archaeologists?
Because they absolutely love digging up everything that has happened in the past.
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.
"I'm a turtle", he says. "Oh… who's on your back?" "That's Michelle", he replies.
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
