I shared this six years ago
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock
Did you hear about the mathematician’s son who hated negative numbers?
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
It was horrible, nothing left but de Brie.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years. “This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid. “And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
"Because she's only three." I answered.
Recess and cookies
An elementary teacher asks her students what they did during recess. Teacher: Johnny what did you do doing recess? Johnny: I played in the sandbox. Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "sand" on the board, you get a cookie. Johnny writes "sand" and gets his cookie. Teacher: Alright Suzie, what did you do? Suzie: I played in the sandbox with Johnny. Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "box" on the board, you get a cookie. Suzie writes "box" and gets her cookie. Teacher: Jamal, what did you do? Jamal: Well, I tried to play with Johnny and Suzie, but they kicked sand in my face. Teacher: Oh no, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can write "blatant racial discrimination" on the board, you get a cookie.
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
An absolute 10, but also imaginary.
I tell my secrets to all my herbs, except for thyme.
Because only thyme will tell.
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
Wanna hear a joke about short term memory loss?
I think my waitress is hungry
She keeps asking how my food is.
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom…
….First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says…
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' … and she's always sound asleep."
Met an older lady at a bar last night.
She wasn't bad for a 55, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter combo. I said,"No. But it's my secret fantasy." We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom! you still awake?"
You know your uncle went to WWII with a toy gun
He had nerfs of steel
Did you hear about the transgender vegan?
He was a herbefor
Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
Instructor: don't lick my lips again.
What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?
In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense. In a religion that person is dead.
Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs
I keep all the results on a spreadsheet
Someone toilet papered my house last night
Now it’s worth $875,000
What did the maid request when asked to make the wood furniture sparkle?
"We need more lemon pledge"
I hate it when people confuse one social media for another
Edit: Thanks for the likes
My parents made me go to Stockholm with them on holiday…
… I didn’t like it at first.
What do Microsoft Excel users put in their hair?
SUMPRODUCT()
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
What’s the difference between Bill Clinton’s VP in makeup versus out of makeup?
One's gorgeous, the other's just Gore.
Dad body is just another way of saying…
Father figure
I’m so happy I don’t drive
Especially with all this car owner virus going around
What do fish get high on?
Seaweed
