I don’t get why everybody hates Hitler.
I mean, he killed the leader of the Nazi party for god sakes.
I played “Sweet Home Alabama” to my sister since I learned the guitar recently
Nothing happened. But our kids loved it
The doc came in and let me know he was here to deliver our baby
I told him that we would prefer if the baby kept its liver.
The past, present and future walk into a bar…
It was tense.
When you develop a browser extension that is not scalable enough to handle 1,400 tabs!
https://ift.tt/33SC4VL
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together
This morning Chuck Norris was shot
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Why do atheists struggle with exponents?
They don’t believe in a higher power.
I was using my drill at work when all of a sudden it heated up so much, it caught fire!
So I called up Dewalt and they said: “not to worry! It’s just a fire drill.” REDDIT! IM GOING TO BE A DAD!!! 😀
What do you call 20 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hairline.
This season of Earth is not realistic
So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story? I'm feeling Lost.
This is a Mean joke.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
I tried to catch some fog
I mist
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith
I know a great joke about unrefined oil, but I can’t post it here.
It's a little too crude.
What would you call a sword made of ice?
Excali-buuurrrrr
What did the cannibal’s wife do when he came home late for dinner?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
Reason why you should take up marathon training
It will help you in the long run.
The FBI had an open position for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her" The man said, "You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes," I tried, but I cant kill my wife." The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife home. Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks he said. I had to strangle that bitch to death."
If a bisexual isn’t dating anyone…
…does that mean they're on standbi?
I tried to get some storm insurance for my campsite, but I was denied.
They said that if my tents get blown away, I won’t be covered.
Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?
Because he was in a cent. I know it’s stupid but c’mon
I turned left, turned right, went straight ahead and went back
None of those roads led to Rome. They led me to Arkansas. One of the roads left to the edge of a cliff. Unfortunately, I stopped driving.
Why was it called the dark ages?
Because of all the knights.
I got an email that said “You have won £36,769,011. To complete the transaction we will need your bank details.”
"Certainly," I replied. "It's a big building with money inside."
God is walking through the Garden of Eden one morning, when he sees Adam sitting by himself, grinning from ear to ear.
God says to Adam, "you're looking very happy this morning! Has something good happened?" "Oh yes" Adam replies. "This morning we found out why I have a penis and Eve has a vagina! It was awesome. We're going to call it 'sex'!" God is shocked. "Adam, what you have done is a sin! You and Eve must both be punished." He looks around. "Where is Eve anyway?" Adam replies "well, she enjoyed it so much she wants to do it again. She's down by the river washing her vagina." "Oh, great" God replies. "Now, on top of everything else, all the fish will smell funny too!"
The wife is giving birth, but she was in severe pain.
"There's is an option," Said the doctor, "I had invented the machine that transfers the pain of the mother to its father, the only thing is that the pain will be 10 times more intense." The husband, being the man he was, told the doctor to do it. The doctor turned it up to 10%, the husband stood like nothing happened. Then the doctor raised it to 50%, the husband didn't even flinch a bit. "it's a wonder!" said the doctor, " do you feel any pain?" "not a bit," said the husband, "turn it to 100%" "Are you sure?" said the doctor:"you can die from such pain" The husband agreed and the pain meter got up to 100%, but he still felt nothing. When the couple got home, the mailman is dead on the front porch,
Three teenagers are walking along the side of a canal…
They notice some men in suits moving frantically around a drowning man. The three teenagers jump in and save the drowning person only to realize that it’s President Trump. Once everyone has recovered, the President thanks them for saving him. He offers each teenager one wish within his powers. The first teenager says that his father was wrongfully convicted and now sits on death row. Everyone knows it, but all of his appeals have been used up. His one wish is to have his father pardoned. Trump asks the kid for the name of his father and the pardon will be put through. The second teenager wants nothing more than to attend a military academy, like many other members of his family, but his grades aren’t good enough. Trump has the teenager give his information to one of the Secret Service agents and he’ll get into the academy of his choice. The third teenager asks to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Trump points out that this is a very unusual request. One of his friends is trying to save his father and the other wants to serve his country. Why is he asking for something so morbid? The teenager replies, “When my parents find out I saved you, they’re going to kill me.”
I consider myself to be quite a pussy magnet
Now if I can just figure out how to change the polarity.
I got tired of flipping the little switch on my rear view mirror to dim the headlights.
So I removed the whole mirror. I haven’t looked back since.
Two deers walk out of a gay bar
One turns to the other and says “Man, I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there”.
life without love is meaningless..
Love without life is necrophilia.
“When am I ever gonna use this?” Asked the student to the algebra teacher
"Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully
Most Starred Programming Languages on GitHub (2014-2020)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7OzkGkyr_Y
I hate people who watch street performances but never give the artists any money.
But then I’m a mime, so I can’t really talk.