I showed a post from r/dankmemes to my German friend.

A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital, and asks, "Did you bring me here to die?" The nurse replies, "Nah mate, we brought you here yesterday."
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.
I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my word.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
My mate David had his ID stolen…
… I now call him Dav.
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "turd-world countries".
I began reading a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is about to happen; I can feel it.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
What do you call a black man who got hit by a car?
An ambulance you racist!!
An airplane was about to crash..
There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said “I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, “I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.” He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, “My son, I am old and don’t have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.” The little boy said, “That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you. America’s smartest President took my schoolbag.”
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers…
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
Yesterday, my wife and I went to the hospital so she could give birth to our child…
As soon as we stepped through the hospital doors, we knew something was wrong. The nurse working in the delivery ward was unclean and unhygienic. Her hair looked like it hadn't been combed for weeks. She gave us a look of utter contempt before ushering us to the delivery room. Throughout the birthing procedure, she would continuously mutter to herself under her breath, saying how her best years were behind her and how she hoped it would all soon be over soon; it made us both extremely anxious. Thankfully, we got through the delivery, and 9 hours later, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. To our surprise, the nurse who was so indifferent towards us at the start was the first to congratulate us. She wasted no time in caring for our daughter, washing her gently and swaddling her before returning her to her mother. I was so taken aback that I asked one of the other nurses on the floor why her mood had changed so drastically, to which she replied, "Oh, that's normal. She's just having a midwife crisis." This joke is dedicated to all the medical professional out there, especially during this difficult time. You are the real MVPs.
Kung Fu student asks his teacher: “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.”
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
Whiteboards are remarkable.
No text found
My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe
I said its Narnia buisness
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She is watching our wedding video again.
Why don’t cannibals like ramen
They prefer cooked men
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period
You get your palm red for free
Son: Mom, Dad, I’m gay.
Dad: clenches fist Mom: DON’T Dad: sweats profusely Mom: … Dad: HI GAY I’M DAD
A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw a man kneeling behind a headstone.
‘Morning’ the walker shouted. ‘No, just having a shit’ the man replied.
We imported a tree from Canada.
It's pretty oak, eh.
What is Yoda’s last name?
Lay hee hoo
What’s the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo & Juliet?
..One’s a Corona virus and the other’s a Verona crisis.
I tried to introduce some new KPIs for my department at work today and everyone was really upset.
Americans really do hate the metric system.
Politeness is key
A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man. She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born. So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly "Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank-you." She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby! The woman continued to wait for her newborn, and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months and years passed, the baby never came! Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body. They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other: "You go first!" "No, you go first!"
A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a desert island. (Long)
They are the only living things there, besides some birds and rodents, and soon, they figure out how to work together to survive and not go insane. The dog hunts, the man cooks, and the pig forages for truffles. There are many truffles on this particular island. They have a perfectly functioning life, if a little boring. One afternoon, all three are sitting on the beach, watching the most beautiful sunset they have seen in their lives. And the man starts feeling melancholy. He feels empty, almost, like there is a pit in the bottom of his stomach. He soon realizes that this emptiness can only be fulfilled by a womanly touch. He glances over to the pig, and imagines it as a beautiful, completely stunning woman. He leans in to kiss her, and just as their lips are about to meet, the dog jumps up and starts barking, snapping the man out of his trance. A few weeks later, a woman washes up on shore. She soon becomes an integral part of their small society, looking for food, helping the man skin and cook animals, and being an all-around happy presence on this deserted island. On another afternoon, much like the one previously mentioned, the four are staring out into an incredible sunset, and the man, he starts feeling this feeling again. This feeling of melancholy, that which only a woman can cure. He looks over at the woman who washed up in this island, this beautiful woman, and he says, “Do you mind taking the dog for a walk?”
I’ve been having the most difficult time figuring out what audio system to put in my car.
I hate making decisions based on stereotypes.
I just bought a border collie.
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
What does a deaf gynecologist do?
He reads lips Credit to https contagious laughter
The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work
"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress." "Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor. "Now, I want you to take off my bra." "Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it carelessly to the side. "And Jeeves, remove my panties." "Yes ma'am!" replies the butler as he slides the black silk thong onto the floor. "Now Jeeves," says the woman, "the next time I catch you wearing my clothes you're fired!"
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.
Last Name Only
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy. “John,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker .… That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what’s your last name?” The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” “Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .”
Today I quit drinking for good
now I only drink for evil
Bouncer?
Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave." "Why?" "I don't know who you are and this is my trampoline."