I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
what do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid đ.
I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people wonât Understand.
Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite? NaBrO.
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire says to the bartender, âIâll have a pint of blood.â The second one says âIâll have a pint of blood also.â The third vampire says to the bartender, âIâll have a pint of plasma.â The bartender says, âSo, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?â
Took this pic of me today, feel free to make a meme of it
Took this pic of me today, feel free to make a meme of it
Job Interview
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?" "This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Doctor: “Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live.”
Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?â, clearly shocked. âWhat can I do to live at least a little longer?" Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!" Doc: "Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, okay." Doc: "Do you stay up late?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I shall." Doc: "Do you have sex often?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then Iâll do that too." Doc: "Do you smoke?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I will." Doc: "Do you drink?" Man: "Yes…" Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "OK doctor, but you didnât tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?" Doc: "You will still live for a week⌠but it will seem like a century.
Next Summer I’m applying for a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.
Golfing with a hitman
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them. "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up". Sure, they said, youâre welcome. So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" Iâm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!â was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." That's a beautiful telescopic sight,â said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here". So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom". "Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her……He's naked, too!!! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man. âHow much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" âSure, what do you want?â "First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. âAre you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . . "I think I can save ya a grand here."
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
Bear with me
How do I get rid of it?
I like my women like i like my computer
Turned on On my lap Virus free
Why does the Norway Navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back they can Scandinavian.
Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive ?
Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran- Grandpa – it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
I am addicted to brake fluid
But I can stop whenever I want.
Boss told me that as a security guard, itâs my job to watch the office
Iâm on season 6 and Iâm not really sure what this show has to do with security
Thereâs no such thing as Scottish people.
Either your name is Scott or it isnât.
What is a mayor’s favorite food?
Mayornnaise
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT TO SAY âLADDER.â
Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.
âOh no!â, the man says, âmy wifeâs gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!â His friend tells him âdonât worry itâll be fine – just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.â âBrilliant!â, says the man and he goes home. Wife sees him and says âohh honey look what youâve done! Youâve been sick everywhere! I canât believe you got this drunk.â âNooâ, the man says, âit was someone else and look, to prove it thereâs ten dollars in my shirt pocket from the guy who did it to go get it cleaned.â âBut thereâs twenty dollars in here…â she points out âI know,â he says, âhe also shit in my pants.â
Kids ask their mother how they were named
1st Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a lily fell on your head. So we named you Lily. Lily: Thatâs so cool! 2nd Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a rose fell on your head. So we named you Rose. Rose: Thatâs so cool! 3rd Child: guguhu sjebe kddekw? Mother: What did you say, Brick?
My Grandma is 96 years old and she still doesn’t need glasses
She drinks straight from the bottle
My friend said ALL comforters are too hot….
I told him that was a blanket statement.
One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.
He does a few online courses and begins trading. On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money in his newfound hobby and sticks with it. On the third day, Sting manages a huge profit and decides to reward himself with an expensive Rolls Royce. With his newfound love of trading stocks, Sting decides to put even more of his money into trading, and continues on with it. On the fourth day, high on the previous day's earnings, Sting buys a large amount of unstable stock, putting most of his wealth into it, sure that it is a good wager. The following day a huge news story breaks of embezzlement in the company Sting invested in and its stock drops, losing the musician a huge amount of his money. The following week, he hears a large car pulling into his driveway, and he exits his house to see what this was about. In his driveway he sees a tow truck hooking up to his brand new Rolls Royce, about to be repossessed. "What is going on?" He shouts at the driver and as the driver turns around, he reveals himself to be a Buddhist monk. "A monk?" Sting asks surprisedly. "Why would you be working for a repossession company?" "Well," the monk begins. "You won't believe the amount of karma you can get for repo, Sting."
I’d give my left bladder to be better in anatomy class.
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What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
So there was this Mexican magician..
He said he could make himself disappear by the count of three. He said uno, dos and then POOF he vanished without a tres
A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.
Never knew he was a barber.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Who delivers Christmas gifts to lobsters?
Santa Claws
If your nose runs and your feet smell
you're built upside down.
Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?
Because they are filled with anty bodies.
Elon Musk has developed a new Tesla car that uses karma instead of fuel.
It runs on upvolts.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne
Boss told me as a security guard it’s my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, don't know what it has to do with security though.
Atheism and Religion are two sides of the same coin.
One relies on heads while the other is just based on tales.