I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers…
What are the odds?
When women wear bikinis, they expose about 96% of their bodies.
But men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just
A whim away a whim away a whim away
I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day…
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection…
The judge asks, “First offender?” The wife replies, “No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
Tried to grab the fog this morning
unfortunately, I mist.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist
PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.
Cop on Horse
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
A guy bursts into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.
The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I met a strange man the other day really trying to sell me the health benefits of inhaling helium.
He spoke very highly off it.
The Smallest Dick In The World
3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest dick in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one goes in and comes back "Yeeehaw! I have the smallest arms in the world!". Then the second guy goes in and comes back a few minutes later "YES! I HAVE THE SMALLEST HEAD IN THE WOOOORLD!!!". Last, but not least the 3rd guy goes in and after just one minute he comes back out crying… "Who TF is /u/M3ltd0wn_ ??!".
Why did Princess Peach choke?
Because Mario came down the wrong pipe.
If I won $298 million I’d donate a quarter of it to charities…
I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
I just bought a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
Did you hear about the successful cows?
They were out standing in their field
The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don’t know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?
Three guys interviewing to be a detective. The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that" He calls them into his office one by one. The first guy goes in and is shown a picture of a recently captured criminal. Tattooed face, large scar, he's quite recognisable. The inspector says, "Take a close look, and I want you to memorize and remember all the features that will help you identify this man in a crowd" After a minute, the man is done. The Inspector turns the picture over and says, "Well, go on, describe him to me" The man responds, "Well it wouldn't be hard to find this guy, given that he has only one ear". The inspector stares blankly, turns the picture over and says, "What sort of a moron are you? This is a side profile of the man.. don't tell me you thought… ugh, get out and stop wasting my time!" The second guy is called in and given the same challenge. After his minute he says, "Well, I couldn't really focus on much other than the fact that he has only one eye" Visibly frustrated, the inspector bellows, "What is wrong with you people, do you not know what a side profile is?! Get out, and call the last guy in!!" The last guy comes in and is given the same challenge. The inspector adds, "You know what, take 5 minutes.. and think carefully before you answer" 5 minutes later, the young man turns the picture over himself and says, "You know, I'll bet he wears contact lenses" The inspector scrunches his eyebrows and then squints at the young man in silence for a few moments. Not wanting to potentially get embarrassed, he excuses himself to go check the man's criminal profile. 2 minutes later, he steps back in. A pleased but puzzles look on his face, he says, "Well, yes.. yes he does wear contacts lenses. How could you tell?" Visibly delighted with himself, the young man beams back with a smile, "Oh, it took a while to think of it, but there's no way he could wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear"
I never say curse words
I swear
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster
but it just made it more sluggish.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu-Dhabi-do! -Dad
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
I tried fitting in to a town with wind turbines….
But I just wasn't a big fan.
i have a hicky from my date with a wizard last night
she was a neck-romancer
Never marry an archaeologist
They're always digging up the past.
I’m not an alcoholic. In fact, there’s only three times I ever drink.
Before work, during work, and after work.
What do you call a Dothraki riding a squid?
Khal Amari
Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?
They say the business is toast.