I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers!!
What are the odds?!
A blind man goes into a restaurant…
A blind man goes into a restaurant and sits down at a table. He orders something to drink and says to the waiter "Do you want to hear a blonde joke?"The waiter replies, "Well, actually sir, I am a blonde. And there is a man just over at the bar who is an ex-con with a violent streak and he is a blonde. Also we just seated a body builder who has a temper problem, he is blonde as well. So, I don't know, do you want to tell the joke?"The blind man says, "Well, no not if I have to explain it three times!"
My daughter told we she is a vegan.
I told her it is a huge missed steak.
Yo Mama so fat
I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas
PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34
ME: I can’t afford that PIZZA GUY: Well you’ll have to pay some other way. ME: [takes out wallet] Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars. PORN DIRECTOR: Cut! The fuck are you doing?
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
What do you call a fake turd?
A shampoo
I told my son to not marry a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons tries to board an airplane…
The stewardess stops him and says "I'm sorry sir, you're only one carrion per passenger!"
What’s the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?
You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!
How do you feed 1000 people with one loaf of bread?
You cut the ends and now you have endless bread. Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter.
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package…
…But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.
A Redditor walks into Reddit Restaurant…
All of our servers are busy right now. Please try again in a minute.
Why did the latino man go to the therapist?
To talk about hispanic attacks.
![This video from facebook [screenshot]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/1pj8te1zmab21-400x440.jpg)
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves
No text found
I told my friends I have a girlfriend…
They all laughed at me and told me she is isn't real. Well Jokes on them because neither are they
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
Everyone in my sewing class thinks I’m the worst they have ever seen.
Shit, wrong thread.
An officer and a lawyer were having a discussion in court.
Lawyer: "A woman shot her husband because he stepped on her freshly mopped floor." Officer: "That is correct." Lawyer: "Officer, can you explain why it took you 20 minutes to arrest the woman once you got there?" Officer: "The floor was still wet."
Donald Trump dies and goes to hell
In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bartender. Then I will return to stay here forever." The devil says "Okay, but I will change your body for the time you are there. Nobody would know or believe you are actually Donald Trump". "That's even better!" says the president. And the next moment POOF! He appears next to a bar. He walks in, orders a mug of beer and starts talking to the bartender: "I have been in a coma for quite a long time. I don't know what's going on in the world. How is our country doing?" "Can't be better!" says the bartender happily. "We are the mightiest nation in the world, we no longer have ANY external threats! All political issues have been resolved! Every country is either our loyal ally or is completely controlled by our government!" "Wait a second" – Trump can't believe his ears – "What about Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan?" -Everything is ours now! We have conquered them! -Then what about Ukraine? -It's also controlled by our government now! -I can't believe this! What about Mexico? China? Turkey? The bartender takes a globe from under the desk, spins it around and says proudly: "The whole world belongs to us. I mean it! Every single country!" Donald Trump is completely shocked. He says in amazement: "I am speechless. I didn't ever think it was possible by any means. Thank you very much. Anyways, I got to go now. How much for the beer?" "350₽, comrade!"
A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He’s very nervous and doesn’t say much.
As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter! After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone. The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!" "I know…" Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.
Now millions of people can breathe easier.
Two women were playing golf
The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'? Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
Do you know I tell dad jokes?
He even laughs sometimes.
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
Roses are red, my screen is blue
I think I deleted system32
A Joke from my little cousin
/r/Jokes/comments/fjx93d/a_joke_from_my_little_cousin/
