I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers…
What are the odds?
R. Kelly in the news again–tested positive for the COVID-15 virus
…apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.
My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus asks for a table for 26. The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.” Jesus says, “Yeah, but we’re all going to sit on the same side.”
Dads are like Boomerangs
I hope
What turns “No, no, no” into “Mmmmmmm”?
Duct tape.
How do they expect you to eat your burrito in 30min. Smh
How do they expect you to eat your burrito in 30min. Smh
TIL Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween
I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people in line behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly, and poor.
I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it’s because she’s cute with big brown eyes…
But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
NSFW can you give someone a skin graft from your butt?
Ass skin for a friend
Why do pirates listen to opera music?
Because they love the high Cs.
I saw a guy riding on a unicycle the other day.
I've seen him a few times here and there on local streets. I thought to myself "I bet he never gets too-tired."
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Three samurais compete with each other
Three samurais are sitting around a camp fire when suddenly, one boasts. "I am the world's best swordsman!" – he stands up, whips out his sword and cut a fly in half. The second samurai says,"No, I'm the best." and he sees a fly -his sword flashes twice- then the fly falls into 4 pieces. The third samurai, wanting to prove them both wrong says "Hold my sake.". He stands, slashes at a fly… and the fly continued flying. The first two samurais erupted into laughter – but the third explains "That poor fly, he can never have sex again!"
British Person: “I’m bri ish”
“I guess you drank the t”
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts
Beer nuts are $1.30 deer nuts are under a buck
What does a robot do after sex?
It nuts and bolts
I had a vasectomy so I wont have any kids…
Just got back home and they are still here…
my friend told me there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends
i really hope it's Jerry, he's cute
BK’s new commercial is questionable at best (I am never eating there again)
BK’s new commercial is questionable at best (I am never eating there again)
I cry every time after sex.
I hate prison.
Is an entire TV show a valid “boomer humor” submission? Because this show is awful.
https://ift.tt/2XamZh8
What’s the fastest liquid?
Milk- it’s pasteurized before you see it
The old farmer said, “ Well as I see it, Donald Trump is like a Post Tortoise”
The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a ‘post tortoise’ was. The farmer said, “When you’re driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise. The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.”
– Do you know I’m finally going to watch “Back to the Future”?
– It's about time!
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert
They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo…
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"
Can February March?
Can February March? No, but April May.
I told a girl to text me when she got home
She must be homeless..
Every naked person I see turns me on
Said the shower head.
I know of a bald guy that got a comb for his birthday.
He said he could never part with it.
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
Sales pitch
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." "If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up. Aww, that is so sweet of you! You need plastic surgery.