I sowed this quote in half
This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today…
Not everyone of you, of course.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I was cheating on her.
She told all her friends I had a small dick. Luckily they all knew she was lying.
After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.
He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, âYou died in your sleep, Carl.â Carl was stunned. âIâm dead? No, I canât be! Iâve got too much to live for. Send me back!â St. Peter said, âHmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork⌠but sure. Youâve got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.â Carl never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldnât be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence. Carl replied, âOkay, then I choose to be a hen.âThe next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. âSo, youâre the new hen, eh? Howâs your first day here?ââNot bad,â replied Carl the hen, âbut I have this strange feeling inside. Like Iâm gonna explode!ââYouâre ovulating,â explained the rooster. âDonât tell me youâve never laid an egg before?â âNever,â said Carl.âWell, just cluck twice and then push.â Carl clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg! Carl was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, âDammit, Carl! Wake up. Youâre shitting the bed!!!â
Today is a day to celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
My penis is like a joke on reddit..
People seeing it for the first time usually laugh. And those who have seen it before get mad that theyâre seeing it again.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers. (A tribute to Bill – RIP)
I tried my wife’s essential oils for the first time today.
Worst french fries I've ever had.
My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are
But I laugh harder
Student: Are âwellâ and âactuallyâ both single-syllable words?
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
Found this on the facebook group “Victorian Humor”
âApparently, \”marriage is terrible\” never gets old.
Young Virgin Couple
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "Now what do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers.
One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers. They traveled to a Hydra base surrounded by four barriers. When they got to the first barrier, Hulk smashed it. When they got to the second barrier, Tony Stark fired up his Iron Man suit and blasted a hole through it. When they got to the third barrier, Thor took out Mjolnir and bopped a hole in it. Then they got to the fourth wall, and Deadpool said, "Am I supposed to be the punchline to this joke?"
Bought a dog from a blacksmith and as soon as I got it homeâŚ
âŚit made a bolt for the door.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Stephen King has a son named Joe
Iâm not joking, but he is.
Why was the Nickelodeon character Avatar Aang so controversial?
He was trans-bender
Host: What are you?
Me: I'm a Harp Host: Your costume's too small. Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?
Iâve seen somebody has posted my meme here… âIâll f*cking do it againâ
https://ift.tt/2MRmSl9
What country doesn’t take cash or credit?
The Czech Republic
I was going to tell a joke about Noble gases,
But I knew I'd get no reaction.
If someone stole a Tesla
Would it be called an Edison?
I tried fitting in to a town with wind turbines….
But I just wasn't a big fan.
My Father thinks this is funny as hell. I need to leave the family WhatsApp group.
https://ift.tt/2Vbtvl6
learning to walk in high heels really kept me on my toes
No text found
Why did my dad go to prison?
Beats me.
A Man has been Stealing the tires of Police cars..
Police are working Tirelessly to catch him.
Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?
Because you canât see in the dark. Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.
I met this girl at the vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
But I never met herbivore.
My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We’ve been married nine years today.
A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall. He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic. The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?" The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
My boss yelled at me the other day, âYouâve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, "Canât say for sure, itâs so hard to keep track!"
I was driving this girl to her house and told her that I wasn’t good with directions, she laugh at me…
So I just right her left there.
Whatâs Irish and stays out all summer?
Patty OâFurniture