I spilled laundry detergent all over myself and the basket of clothes I was carrying. There was nothing I could do.
My hands were tide.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren’t as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back–wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask… is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t uttered a single word this whole time," the officer asks with concern. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215."
”Will, You, Mary, Me” is a foursome proposal.
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
… and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
Nice lady, terrible surgeon.
Especially because he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.
Everyone went down on her
But it’s growing on me.
Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite? NaBrO.
They were cooked in Greece.
She gave him the cold shoulder.
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.” The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow. A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.” God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?” The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious.”
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Priest: “What have you done my child?” Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.” Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?” Girl: “Because he touched my hand.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he touched my breast.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: “Yes father. Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!” Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “But father he had AIDS!” Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”
She was just pulling my leg.
because y'all keep ignoring me
A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, " "Now remember….that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off." The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents house for dinner. This will be the first time he's ever eaten with her family. "I should let you know the rule of the table" she said. "There is no talking allowed. The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes." The guy doesn't think this is that big of a deal until he arrives at the family's house and looks in the kitchen. There must be at least three months worth of dishes inside. They are stacked up to the ceiling, stinking and rotting of mold and old bits of food everywhere. The guy almost throws up at the smell and sight of such a disgusting state of affairs. Dinner begins, and no one is saying a word. The tension is starting to get to the boyfriend, so he concocts a plan to make someone else speak first. The guy drops his fork, goes over to his girlfriend at the table, throws her up on top and just starts fucking her in front of everyone. The father and mother are obviously embarrassed. But even with their jaws on the floor, no one says a word. The guy stops and thinks to himself "This is going to be harder than I thought…." then he gets another idea….. Without hesitation, he runs over to the mother throws her up on the table and fucks the shit out of her, right in front of the father. The dad is staring daggers through the boyfriend and turning bright red in anger. But still says nothing. The girlfriend is becoming teary eyed and covering her mouth with her hands, but doesn't make a peep. The boyfriend stops fucking the mother and sits back down at his seat, completely flustered. He takes a gander out the window, and notices a sudden heavy rain has settled in. He then realizes that his vintage motorbike is parked on the street, uncovered. The boyfriend pops out of his seat and grabs his tub of vaseline. The dad jumps out of his chair and yells out, "ALRIGHT, I'LL DO THE GODDAMNED DISHES!"
I came to work this morning and was shocked to find that our company was bought over by a firm in Madrid.
No one expects the Spanish acquisition.
The food is great but there’s not much atmosphere.
Exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.
An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.
Unfortunately it was from taco bell