I spilled laundry detergent all over myself and the basket of clothes I was carrying. There was nothing I could do.
My hands were tide.
The best advice my dad gave me was to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.
She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.
I wanted to post a joke about sodium
But then I was like Na, people wont understand.
Why don’t people talk much in Finland?
Because it’s hard to Finnish a sentence
I was telling my wife how sometimes I feel really high and sometimes I feel really low.
"Dear, get off the swing" she said.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
Had to wright a paragraph about this photo for my online english class today…
https://ift.tt/2VZxXnz
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work. (I can’t imagine this isn’t a repost, so delete if need be)
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
My wife texted me: “Why are you typing everything in lowercase?”
Me: i stopped giving a shift.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
What is the downside of eating a clock?
It's time-consuming.
I got fired from the frozen orange juice factory today.
I just couldn’t concentrate.
What does a clock do when it’s still hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
Me: Boss, I’m sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.
Boss: Hard drive? Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.
What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?
400 Million dollars
You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?
They live past the age of three
A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.
At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother…
We are from the south so things are going good.
I love telling dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Jesus is watching you
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yes", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the parrot. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The same kind of people who would name a Pit Bull Jesus."
I am a little confused about why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday
I don't know what to make of it
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches
But then I realized it would be a waist of time
Why did Karl Marx only write in lowercase?
Because he hated capitalism.
I heard the bakers parents were also bakers.
You could say he was bread for the job.
I dated an African girl….
we just clicked
Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper
One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda "What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?" "You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic hate crimes and it's just depressing and scary, here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and quite beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No way! They have no clothing and no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
Working out is like a drug to me.
I don’t do drugs.
A sexual predator, a racist and a Russian spy walk into a bar.
The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"