I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
My father doesn’t trust anyone. In fact he has a saying…
But he won't tell me.
Mom, dad… I’m gay…
My mom looked at my dad. My dad clenched his fists. My mom screamed: "NO DON'T DO IT" …. My dad, breathing heavily: "HI GAY, I'M DAD!"
I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
I asked a poor pirate why he had a seagull on his shoulder instead of a proper parrot.
"Arrrr…it were on sail."
Eating a clock is very time consuming
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Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar, every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in.
It’s currently half empty
Why did the banker leave his job?
because he lost interest
Why don’t ghosts like rain on halloween?
It dampens theirs spirits.
Have You Heard The One About The Sheep?
It's baaad…
I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels….
I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism…
My chemistry teacher asked me :
Teacher: What’s the monomer of rubber? Me: Is it monobber?
I’ve never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.
Become a Catholic priest and get them now.
I wanted to write a joke about restraining orders.
This is as close as I could get though.
Why does Norway put barcodes on their ships?
So they can scan-di-navian
What do you call a black man who got hit by a car?
An ambulance you racist!!
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
It is hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
How do you make a blonde girl laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
The roof is not my son
But I will raise it nevertheless.
Finding the loot
Jose had robbed a bank in Texas and fled south across the Rio Grande with the Texas Rangers in hot pursuit. They caught up with him in a town in Old Mexico, only to discover that Jose spoke no English and none of the pursuers spoke any Spanish. They drafted one of the locals – the school teacher – to act as a translator. “Tell Jose that he must tell us where he has hidden the loot from the bank robbery.” “The gringos say to ask where you have hidden the loot.” “Tell the gringos I will never tell them.” “Jose says he will never tell you.” The Rangers pull out their six-guns, cock them, and point them at Jose. “Tell Jose if he does not tell us where he has hidden the loot, we will kill him.” “The gringos say if you do not tell them where you have hidden the loot they will kill you.” Jose begins to tremble with fear. “I buried it by the old oak tree on the other side of the bridge.” “Jose says he is not afraid to die.”
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he could not see that well.
Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.
Yep. It can happen.
Yesterday I watched a match of women’s volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.
But by tomorrow I should be fine again.
I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room
Im indiana Jones, Get out
“Tell me what you want.” I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned…
"I want my guitar back."
Dating a girl that has a child…
… it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".
3.14% of sailors are Pi rates
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Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things. The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, "where's the pub?" The alien gurgles back but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, "just around the corner!" The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It's labelled "The Keyboard" and he asks the bouncer, "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The bouncer replies, "the boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he's the bartender." So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender. "Excuse me, do you own this pub?" The astronaut says. "I do." The bartender gurgles back. "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The man asks. "Well," the alien gurgles in reply, "since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name!" The astronaut is on the edge of his seat… "The reason it's called the Keyboard is because… it's a space bar."
A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute
and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old… how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"
If you don’t clean your dirty hair, you’ll get a louse.
If you don't clean your house, you'll get a dirty lair.
The spoon in a waiter’s pocket catches the customer’s attention
The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The customer is visibly impressed. He then notices something else. He asks "Is that the same reason you have a ketchup bottle in your apron?" The waiter says "Exactly!" The customer says "One last question. Why is there a string coming out of your fly?" The waiter explains "That string is tied to my penis. When i go pee, i just have to unzip and then give it a tug. That way, i save valuable time not having to wash my hands." The customer says "I see. But how do you get your penis back in your pants without touching it?" The waiter replies "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use my spoon."
Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive?
Boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa- It’s your dog, he’s dead jimmy.